She's awfully hostile for a girl named Joy.

Shit That is Seriously Pissing Me Off Usually during the summer, I’m carefree and happy. During the winter I’m all “Dear god* make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here to some where super sunny where I can warm the eff up.” but summer is my 'the world is good' time. This summer, however, I seem to be angry, so I thought I’d compile a list for you. 1st and foremost. My goddamn internet. I realize I live in BFE. I have shit for internet. There’s this thing about limited bandwidth I’ve never heard of before in my life, and the more you use the internet the Slower. It. Goes. To the point where right now, it just doesn’t work for me for most of the day. I can at times log into Facebook, but I can’t stray away from the main page. No finding out my notifications, no looking at pictures or clicking on especially long comment threads. And forget shopping or looking at other websites that take any kind of time to load. It is Driving Me In Sane. I sit there, with my precious free time where the baby is occupied or sleeping, and I get nothing done that I want to accomplish. I don’t care that my goal is to read blogs or see what’s going on on facebook. I deserve this. Instead, I sit here and nothing happens and I get so angry I daydream about my internet becoming a person so I can go over to it’s house, ring it’s doorbell, and when it answers I’ll just BANG! Junkpunch it right up in it’s man business, and then it’s gonna keel over and while it’s writhing on the ground screaming “Why?!” I’ll go; “You Know Why! you know why...”** I’m seriously that mad. If I ever pack up and leave my husband and child, it’ll be to go back to the city for the internet. 2. The actual number that I weigh isn’t that large, especially for my height. In fact it’s only about 7 pounds more then before I became pregnant. So then why the hell am I so damn fat?! My arms are big, I could pass for 4 maybe 5 months pregnant in the gut, and my ass and thighs? Holy shit. I can’t get pants past my knees, when I run up my stairs, the sounds of flesh hitting itself makes me cringe. Does 7 pounds make that much of a difference?!! I don’t understand. 3. My effin shower. I spend half of my shower time waiting for the water to reach a temperature I can submit my skin to. AGAIN with the time wasting! Hello?! It goes from scalding to freezing the entire shower. I try to just live with it scalding but it hurts so I turn it little bits and wait, little bits and wait, nothing until it’s finally quite a bit and it goes to freezing. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried shaving with goose bumps, but it’s a pain that will stick with you as you’re shaving off your skin essentially and I don’t recommend it. ARGH!! 4. As you might be able to tell with the movie quotes, no cable. I didn’t have cable for quite awhile in Sacramento, and I didn't have a problem that I recall. But I did have an antenna that allowed me to get some local stations, albeit fuzzy at times, and usually PBS, so I did fine. But here, no such luck, and it turns out, I miss it. People are all did you see this movie trailer? Did you hear about what happened in this city? Nope. I did not. I already spend much of my life in my own world by choice, real life sucks, but now I’m seriously cut off from what’s going on. Also people are like ohh, just watch your favorite shows on Youtube. See aggravation #1. Not possible. Damn. So I’ve been watching The Big Bang Theory, Absolutely Fabulous, and whatever movies we own or I steal from my MiL or BiL. Woe is me. 5. Spiders. All over my new effing house. Not unconvincing non scary just annoying daddy longlegs. No. These are great big semi hairy brown ‘I’m going to bite and poison you and those you love’ magic disappearing reappearing spiders. I’m not even joking. They are on the wall, ceiling, whatever, someplace I can’t reach, I knock them down, see where they land, and watch as they fucking DISAPPEAR before I can smash or spray them to death with whatever weapon I have. I swear to you I’m looking at them the whole time and I don’t know where they go. I search the area, but never find them. That’s happened 3 times. Now I just get J, he kills them no matter where they are so they don’t have time to apperate elsewhere. 6. My deoderant has stopped working. What the eff right? This has happened before, my body becomes immune and it just stops working. It's weird. Normally I get another deoderant and all is right again. So I used a different one. I stink. Like bad. It didn't help at all. I'm not a particulary sweaty girl, our house has been warm, and sometimes I do exercise, but I used to sweat WAY worse in ballet class and I don't recall the smell of onions wafting up to offend my nose. Now I'm worried. What if my stench has increased for good and I just smell bad for the rest of my life?! All right, all right, I'll try another deoderant before I come to this conclusion, but it's a possability right?! It's making me so self concious too, I don't want to hug people or do anything that requires the lifting of my arms. Maybe I should try Sure, so I can raise my hand safely again. 7. I haven’t smoked in over a year, and I want to EVERY day. It’s killing me. I honestly think it’s why I’m angry about all these things, I think it’s why I’ve a hard time postpartum, I blame the oil spill in the gulf on it too. I started smoking when I was 14. These are the years you form your identity, the adult you are going to be. Maybe I’m not the nice, happy, kind girl everyone thought I was. Maybe I was just her because I smoked, and now that I’m not, I’m the girl I was going to be before I got super bored and stupid one afternoon after school. The only reason I haven’t said I’m fucking smoking as soon as I’m done having babies and providing their nourishment is the money. They are so expensive right now, and I can’t justify my happiness at the expense of my life when it’s that much money. I don’t give a fuck about my lungs, skin, smell, oh god it smells so good, I would smoke right now if I didn’t have to nurse the baby. I’m not joking. I daydream about it, sometimes I night dream about it. There’s these things called E-cigs or something that I’m seriously considering looking into. It’s supposed to be cheaper, not all the chemicals, just nicotine or something, I don’t know, I haven’t actually researched it because I’m afraid I’ll buyitrightthen no matter what. Maybe I’ll just chew the gum or something I don’t know. I walk by people who are smoking and I inhale deeply, I watch them on TV and I want to lick the screen. I still get coupons from Marlboro sometimes and it’s like Playboy, I touch them lovingly, opening them slowly. I’m really worried it’s going to be like this forever. 7. Last but not least, why the hell does my titles for the blogs turn chinese as I type them? I have nothing against the language or anything, it's just I don't know how to read it. So that’s it for now. I don’t see any one of these changing in the foreseeable future, that may be what angers me most; how out of my control they all are. I really hate that too. Maybe I should start meditating or something. *No I have NOT found Jesus. I’m still very much the atheist, although slightly leaning towards Buddhism, but that’s another blog. It’s just how the quote goes. **Sadly I did not write this bit of awesomeness that I’m totally looking forward to using in my everyday life. I stole it from What Happens in Vegas.