"Pretty please?" "The physical appearance of the please makes no difference."

I’m concerned I’m nesting, without a reason too. Every little thing out of place, every bit of clutter, projects in my mental maybe someday list, are attacked with vengeance. Is it hormonal, with a side of an innate need to ready the home at a time when I would be 19 weeks along? Or, perhaps I’m trying to stay busy in an effort not to be swept under the tidal wave of sadness crashing over me from the loss of the baby. I would really like to lie in bed for a week, but then maybe I’ll just never get up, so busybusybusy is the way to go instead. It’s easier to…dare I say it, ‘obsess’ over things I can accomplish then that of which I have no say in. Maybe it’s an attempt to control in the very least my environment when it’s been proven to me I don’t have control over the 1 thing I feel I should; what happens in my own body. The temptation to mentally go over every little thing I could have or did do that may have had some affect on whether or not my baby’s heart continued to beat is overwhelming. And useless. I cannot change it now, and seeing as I would have done absolutely nothing to jeopardize the baby anyway, there’s nothing I can promise to do differently next time. Should there be a next time. Am I doing this to better deal with the barrage of emotions, or to avoid them to a point that it is unhealthy is what I’m wondering. As I’ve said before, my biggest strength and largest downfall is that in the same, my ability to put my head in the sand when it comes to a shit time in life. I can happy thought it better than anyone I know. The problem is, what if I have a limited amount of grin and bear its? What if I run out, it all comes back after me and I can’t find my smile at all? I hope this isn’t the case. I hope I’m dealing as best I can, and not shoving it away. I talk about it with a couple people, I cry, daily, damn it. G still needs breakfast and she needs me to rock her to sleep without my tears raining on the top of her head, I accomplish this, I hope with the happiness she deserves. But it’s been 3 weeks, shouldn’t I have moved on, feel better now? Not have thoughts pop in my head regarding the pregnancy that no longer exists, as though it still does?