“I mean, the voice isn’t telling me to do anything. It’s telling me what I’ve already done…accurately, and with a better vocabulary.”

I’m unmotivated to write, (I don't know if I can call it blocked based on what/how I usually write.) and nothing cool happened this week. So we’ll stick to a domestic update. Sorry. I went to the doctor on Wednesday, oh sweet relief. I almost barfed in the waiting room I was so stressed out. Going by the last measurements, I should have been 9 weeks 4 days. Going by the dates, I should have been 10 weeks 4 days. So I don’t have to tell you how I felt when he measured 10 weeks. I managed to not cry until after the doctor left, thankfuckinggoodness, and only a couple tears leaked out. It was a quick appointment, I’m sure it was just to pat the crazy girl on the head, which is totally fine with me. I’m dismayed that no matter what happens at the appointment, I will find something to stress about, last time it was measurements, this time it was movement, or lack thereof. The doctor even said; good movements, strong heartbeat, everything looks good. And I still manage to worry about how the baby wasn’t wiggling as much as I guess I thought he should. I’m continuing with my mantra and trying to ignore my mental issues. I’m also worried (You thought that was it?!! Poor you.) about an upcoming family event. A close family member is getting married on Oct. 1st. I’ll be 13 weeks, so maybe I’ll be showing? Unknown. I’m very excited about going, but I haven’t told any of them yet. In fact, I’ve told very few people. I guess my plan is to wait until it’s evident, and let everyone figure it out. In part it is because I’m chicken shit, but it’s also because I don’t want to talk about it, and don’t know what to say. But in this instance, I’m worried for another reason as well; another close family member is pregnant too, about 3 weeks farther along than me. I’m pretty sure I have an aura of stress and PTSD about me. I wish it were happiness and whiskers on kittens, and I’m SO HAPPY about this, I truly am excited, don’t get me wrong, but her pregnancy will be one of once monthly appointments, and a baby to bring home. *pleasepleaseplease* Which is how I want it to stay. There is an innocence that mine does not have, which she deserves, that we ALL deserve, but it just doesn’t happen that way. So I’m reticent to share my experiences, to compare and contrast, because OF COURSE that’s what we would do. They won’t be mean or rude when they find out, I just hope they understand somewhere inside that I’m not keeping it from them to be hurtful in any way, and that I dearly appreciate being told about her pregnancy, I’m just doing the best I can. I made my next appointment for 2 weeks, but am pretty sure that after that, I going to need to go back to once a week, if only for that one time. I don’t know if it makes sense, but I want to go to the wedding with as up to date information as possible, I don’t want to say; well, the week before last everything looked good. Not to mention, we lost little T around that time, although we didn’t find out until weeks later. Maybe after we pass the age milestone I found out we lost him I’ll feel better? One can only hope. The first trimester seems to be passing much quicker then with the other two. Perhaps when you feel like you have horrid case of mononucleosis for a period of 3 months it makes time drag? No matter the reason, I am grateful. G has been sick with various things for the last 2 weeks, but an ongoing problem is that her nose hurts. She grabs her nose and mashes it around her face while yelling; “Mama! My NOSE HURTS!“ I took her to the doctor 3 times; we have tried allergy meds and nose spray. Her nose has been inventoried thoroughly, it contains no foreign objects, irritation, congestion, or indication there is something wrong. So I now have to decide whether or not to give my kid a pill for pinworms because her nose hurts. Right? Apparently it can happen? I don’t know, she does have the opportunity and all the symptoms, but they can be explained just as easily by other things as well. The doctor asked if she has a sandbox, which she does, but that she VERY RARELY plays in, and is covered at all times. But it’s there, and she has played in it. He also asked if she grabs her bottom and/or vagina when her diaper’s off. For real? She’s 2 and her diaper is strapped to her booty for 90% of her life, of course she messes with her nether regions as soon as she gets it off. Then he asked if she sleeps restlessly, which she does, but always has. Why not get diagnosed you ask? It’s an interesting process that involves me putting tape on my child’s ass, getting her to fall asleep, and then 30 minutes later removing the tape. Maybe I’m just not adventurous enough. Maybe parents have done this a billion times, and know for sure if their kid has pinworms. Regardless, it’s just not going to happen for us. I can’t get her to WEAR A BANDAID ON HER KNEE WHEN SHE’S BLEEDING. So yeah. I think I’m just going to give her the pill. But then I have to think about reinfestation. How the fuck am I going to keep my teething 2 year old from ingesting more worm eggs? We wash hands, cut nails, and avoid the sand box as it is. (Her choice not mine on that one.) AND, what if it doesn’t even work, and her nose still hurts? I'll have given her unnecessary medication, and we’ll have to go to an ear nose and throat specialist. Because G loves doctors so much. She totally doesn’t lose her shit just while getting weighed. Le sigh. Last update for the saga that is my life; I totally forgot to buy toilet paper at the store when I went shopping. This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but the nearest store is 20 minutes away. It kind of is a big deal. I’ll probably have to steal some from the in laws. Way to be a responsible adult right? I’ll leave you with a couple quotes, because it feels like I'm ending abruptly. I used to end every blog with a few, but that was when I read books and had cable. From Mr. and Mrs. Smith; Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize! From Stranger Than Fiction, where the title comes from, and which also happens to be my favorite movie; Unfortunately, THIS guitar said, ‘When I get back to Georgia, that woman gonna feel my pain.’ THIS one said something along the lines of, ‘Why yes, these pants ARE lycra.’ THESE said; ‘I’m a very sensitive, very caring, and I have absolutely no idea how to play the guitar.’