I got my first tattoo 3 days before my 18th birthday. My advice now about piercers and tattoo artists who are willing to bend the rules for you is to avoid the shit out of them. But I was young and foolish. Luckily I only got groped and not some tattoo transmitted disease. I picked something off the wall, my second piece of advice about tattoos is NEVER get something off the wall. If you didn't come up with it on your own at home, don't bother going in. It was tiny, about 2 inches squared, which was of course not good enough. I added to it over the years making it bigger and bigger. Finally I decided I was done and moved on. I loved it when I first got it, hated it for a few years after that, to the point I was thinking of ways to cover it up, and now I'm back to enjoying it. My tattoo artist friend updated it 6 years back and I think that made all the difference. They tell you to beware, tattoos are forever, but they're wrong, they only last a few years before they need to be touched up, refreshed. Damnit.
My second tattoo was vines and flowers up my back from the children's book The Forbidden door. I loooooved it, and now it needs to be touched up desperately and it's huge and not in the budget so blah. I don't hate it or anything, it just needs color and depth. Some people's skin take to tattoos really well, my skin is not one of them.
After that I got the words for live, love and dance on my feet in french, because I was in the middle of my ballet years. I adore them, so simple and true. Next was a red sun with a skull in the middle of my right forearm. It was a very angry but strengthening time of my life, and I enjoy that this one reflects it. Then I got a jasmine flower on the side of my elbow which did not work out. My skin was all EFF YOU WHITE and rejected it. Burn. It's faded beyond all recognition now. I will someday figure out what to do about it, but I'm waiting for inspiration.
The last six years have been tight, and tattoos just haven't been a priority. I thought about them, but dismissed the ideas. A couple years ago I saw a movie called Inkheart, based on a young adult book starring B.rendon Frai.ser whom I'm indifferent to as an actor, but do feel my favorite character he played was encino man. *shrug* Anyway, I wasn't too interested in the movie, although now that I'm thinking on it I will check out the book on amazon and see how expensive it is, so I didn't really pay attention to plot. From what I gather, Brendon, the dad, could bring characters of books to life. Somehow a villain in a book managed to exploit this and was doing the same, except maybe into his book? Unknown, what I do know is the characters taken by the villain didn't get through the....bringing to life or whatever, unscathed, they had portions of their stories written haphazardly all over their skin. When I saw that I was like; oh snap. Words words everywhere, and I was in love.
My sister is an artist, drawing, painting, they're gorgeous. I am a reader. I'm not an intellectual reader, or one who deciphers metaphors and explores deeper meanings. While attempting to read To the Lighthouse there was a portion where a newly engaged girl is hysterical about losing her grandmother's jewelry at the beach, and I'm like wow, bummer deal, I'd be super sad if that happened to me too. And everyone else was like the symbolism of the loss of her maiden name and identity through joining her husband's family is very poignant in this chapter and I'm like ummmm. Huh? Are we on the same page? I don't get symbolism. Secrets hiding in the words. I take them at face value. Which, whatever. I read them. I read their words, I absorb them, I keep them in my brain, it's enough for me. Shit, I read tv, closed caption is always on, I want to SEE what's being said. Words are important to me, even if I'm only skimming the surface.
So needless to say, poetry is not my cup of tea. Metaphors and shit, I'm just not into it. Until Brooke this is supposed to be a link introduced ee cummings to me, and I was head over heals. (Thank you very much Brooke.) The poem, i carry your heart. I mean. Wow. It was breathtaking.
After sincerely years of thinking about this, after the loss in December I decided I was getting it as a tattoo. But then I was pregnant again and I couldn't. And then I wasn't so I could. So 2 days after my 34th birthday I went in to get some work done. Say what you will, but when you spend so much time in emotional pain, sometimes it's nice to have some physical, if only to actually be able to heal. The steps my skin will go through that take my heart so much longer was a relief to witness. I am capable of healing.
I got the first and second paragraphs on my arms, that I use to carry G, placed for me to read it, not everyone else. The third will likely be on my ribs, which I'm terrified of doing, after I'm sure I'm done with having babies so it won't get stretched out.
I was meant to have words on me. A friend asked, years ago, why I felt the need to do this to myself, and the best I could come up with is in my mind's eye, when I picture what I look like at my heart, these things are on my skin. Looking down at this poem is like home to me. I will get more words, I don't know what, and I don't know where, but I know they're coming.
Without further ado:
Left arm.
Right arm.
And back, for posterity. Of COURSE I have a tramp stamp, have we not met?!! Please excuse the foliage, my husband insists on living plants through out our house, something about filtering the air, and that one is too heavy for me too move. Also, it's hard as shit to get a picture of your back in a mirror with your phone so that's why I look all....askew.
I took pictures of the ones on my feet, and I can NOT post them. I'm sorry, but there's no fucking way I can publish close ups of my feet, I have a phobia. So you will just have to imagine it. Because bleh. Feel free to post pictures of your own feet by the way, this is my hang up and does not translate to you. Unless your feet are gross. Then don't do that shit, it's wrong.
Edited to add: I totally forgot I had a serious mindfuck before I went to get it done. My awesome brain almost had me convinced that because I mourn the life I should have had, instead of the actual babies I lost, I don't deserve to do anything "public" to memorialize them. While this poem is part for me, just on the aesthetic beauty of looking at, coupled with the joy it brings when I read it, and then a big part for G, the one who is my world, it is also in part for the babies I lost, as I do carry them in my heart. It's weird what grief, and just guilt induced mental illness will lie to you about.
I'm bummed this won't show up to the people who just read blogs in their readers. I need to keep notes on all points I want to include before I hit publish. Duh.
Edited to add: I totally forgot I had a serious mindfuck before I went to get it done. My awesome brain almost had me convinced that because I mourn the life I should have had, instead of the actual babies I lost, I don't deserve to do anything "public" to memorialize them. While this poem is part for me, just on the aesthetic beauty of looking at, coupled with the joy it brings when I read it, and then a big part for G, the one who is my world, it is also in part for the babies I lost, as I do carry them in my heart. It's weird what grief, and just guilt induced mental illness will lie to you about.
I'm bummed this won't show up to the people who just read blogs in their readers. I need to keep notes on all points I want to include before I hit publish. Duh.
*My quote. Again from Girls. Said by a secondary character, I love that it is meaningful, and loving, and yet completely inappropriate. The guy who said it is weird too, so that helps.
I'm the same way with reading. I can get the metaphors, and have always gotten As in English - even when I had a few wasted semesters, but I usually don't. Ian sees the details and remembers them for years. I apparently read like other people watch TV. I get the story, don't question it too much, and sometimes shit will stick out enough to remember it is detail, but not usually, and I do it constantly. *shrugs* ee Cummings is a very visual poet, which I love, and he does use some metaphors, but they're usually ridiculously obvious and about sex, so total win. I have poetry books by him and one of my favorite old professors, but that's about it. Again, I can get and analyze the "deeper meaning", but, fuck, why bother? I don't need my head hurting to figure out what some pretentious douche wants to say when he/she should be perfectly capable of saying it so it's obvious. Analogies, not metaphors and hidden symbolism and shit, people.
ReplyDeleteUh, I totally forgot my point. Oh well, you know how much I love the new ink.
Hahaha!! It's nice I'm not the only one, although I think your doing it is more by choice whereas mine is by, I don't know, inability? Regardless, ee kicks ass hardcore, and so do you. :))
DeleteIt does. Show up in readers. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou're gorgeous. Like, in all the ways.
xx
Oh good!!
DeleteAnd thank you very much.
Amazing. It's powerful that you did that to remember.
ReplyDeleteI have a tramp stamp too. Sigh. I still like it!
I dig my tramp stamp! It's valuable tattoo real estate! Sexy part of the body, doesn't get much sun. *shrug* I'm just glad I missed the barbed wire around the arm phase.
DeleteThat's gorgeous. Seriously. I love that you put the poem right on you. I think it's beautiful. And of course we'll carry their hearts in our hearts, always. The living and the dead.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any tattoos, although I hugely admire them and I think they're sexy. Somehow they just don't feel right for me, and I'm not sure why that is.
And the best writing (Virginia Woolf definitely qualifies) is great precisely because it can be read and enjoyed on the surface level or for its vast implications. Those writers tell a good story, but they also open up the possibilities for logic and imagination to make leaps and draw conclusions. Which is why re-reading them is sometimes more fun than reading them the first time. At least, in my opinion.
That made me cry. Thank you so much for my surface reading validation. I do read the same books again and again, and I get something new every time, so maybe there's hope for me yet.
DeleteI think it's good to know yourself enough to realize that. It does seem to be an all or nothing feeling, and I don't know many people with just one, or if they do, they always want more, and just haven't gotten them yet. It was never a question for me, I always knew I wanted them. And it's becoming more and more prevalent, so soon untainted non modified skin will be revered again.
I didn't get G's ears pierced just for that reason, what if her version of rebelling against her tattooed parents is to keep her body just as it is? I can't take that choice away from her.
I love that poem. I wear a necklace with a metal circle inscribed with the lines "I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart" around a metal disk with Aidan's name and 'dirth date'. It is the only thing I've ever considered actually getting tattooed on me because I'm so afraid I'm going to lose it somewhere.
ReplyDeleteBoth my husband and I considered tattoos after Aidan died, but we could never decide on what and where. I guess we're big chickens and just not tattoo people.
I have it on my necklace as well. It is such a beautiful sentence.
DeleteLike I said above, it's good to know what you want look like when you close your eyes and look into your heart. Not chickens, just aware of how you want to be. Good for you.
There are many ways to show grace, dignity, & strength. One of them may need color & depth, but you do not. You have color & depth to spare.
ReplyDeleteAt times I am a great lover of symbolism, but sometimes, when it goes on & on, I get to the point where I think: Can you just way what you F-ing mean already? ~Mary
This really hits home for me. I very much appreciate my husband being fine with my lack of subtlety. When I'm mad, or hurt, I say I'm mad or hurt. When I want to have sex I say; "so, wanna bone?" I don't set stages or drop hints. I don't do nuances in real life, of course I don't get it when I'm reading them!
DeleteUhm, just say(not just way)...
ReplyDeleteHahaha! Got it.
DeleteThat poem is breathtaking, as are your tattoos. It's *perfect*.
ReplyDeleteI love poetry, thoguh only at face value. I refuse to delve for meaning except when required to do so on exams and papers. Even then, the hidden meanings, metaphors, symbolisms, and all that are phony. I pretend to find deep symbolism where I'm expected to find it because it's what the professors want to read or hear. It's all a part of The Great University Game, which is a subset of The Game of Life.
ReplyDeletePoetry actually worth reading or knowing has worthwhile meaning at face value. One need not dig to the depths of a poem to discover a meaning the author may or may very well not have had any intention of conveying. Furthermore, what the author meant probably isn't as important as what the reader drew or draws from it, anyway.
Ironically, I'm not fond of E. E. Cummings (capitals intended) althogh I absolutely love "i carry your heart." I'm not big on supernatural or divine inspritation, as in I don't buy the stories aout G. F. Handel composing the Messiah in a matter of hours [slight exaggeration on my part even beyond what the usual exaggerators allege)but I find it nothing short of miraculous that a man could come up with such a sensitive work. It's not that I'm anti-male poet (Frost is my favorite), andd among the real oldies - the first in the era in which English was spoken and written even close to resembling the way we know it) there weren't many females from whom to choose. Let's see . . There was Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and then there was . . .well, Elizabeth Barrett Browing. There were women known primarily as novelists who wrote poems as well back then, but female representation in the league of pure poets was sorely limited. It ust have been a sexist world back then. Imagine that.
If you move along to the more modern era, there's a great deal of female representation, with Emily Dickinson, Sylvia Plath, Dorothy Parker, Christina Rosetti, Gertrude Stein, and a wealth of others consituting just a few.
Both me and women have written great works of poetry, obviously, but the works of each typical bear an unofficial gender stamp that an astute reader can see. The gender stamp is, in my opinion, too faint to be seen in "i carry your heart." If a poem is worthy of being tattooed on one's body, it one seems to fit the category as much as any. I love Frost's "Mending Wall" and Housman's "To an Athlete Dying Young," but wouldn't have the slightest reason to have either one tattooed on any part of my body. They're merely poems to me. "i carry your heart" is obviously so much more to you.
On an only slightly related note, when I was in my "I have to be a lawyer because I must imitate my Aunt Jillian" phase, I wanted to have the Bill of Rights tattooed onto my forearms and thighs. My dad said that judges and other lawyers would conclude I was too dumb to memorize them if I did that.
Your closing paragraphs are always epic. I love it.
DeleteI'll have to look up your suggestions just to see if I can understand them, don't hold your breath though. ;))
I have always felt i carry your heart seemed....I don't want to say feminine, but maybe more emotional than most of the males I know. My husband loves my daughter and I with all his heart, but he doesn't have these words for us. Although I'm being unfair to him really because neither do I. I couldn't write poetry if I tried, let alone good poetry. Perhaps because I don't read other poetry I have no frame of reference and just naturally associate words of love and unabashed affection to be from the woman's point of view. *shrug*