"Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid."

The first straight man I've wanted to marry since my husband:

It's weird how all the other dudes I want to marry are gay.  Whatevs.  

I woke up this morning ready write.  No clue.  I'm trying to embrace it.

The first couple of weeks of my absence were due to busyness.  I started kickboxing, was exercising every day, keeping my house as clean as normal, play dating, cooking dinners for my family instead of eating out on the nights I went to class, and my husband's schedule changed, so our time together was during the day instead of the evening.  Something had to give, and it was blogging.  

During this time, I expected my period every day, and it never came.  One day I had 'holy fuck my uterus has somehow acquired a machete and is using it against me' cramps and thought for sure it was coming and it was going to be a fucking doozie.  I spotted for an hour.  3 days later the same thing.  It was then I realized the sore boobs and constipation I'd been blaming on the inevitable period coming could have other causes as well....It's like I reverted to a 15 year old who never took sex ed or something.  I thought to myself it took 10 MONTHS of ACTIVELY TRYING to get pregnant, I'm sure we'll be fine if we bone without protection for one little month.  Idiot.  I bought a test, spent $3 extra so I couldn't obsess about the darkness of the lines on a digital one that said pregnant or not pregnant.  It was the former.  I was pregnant.  I'm not now though.  

This also coincided with some audit of my insurance company who decided they needed paperwork from me, but what paperwork and how to get it there differed from person to person.  Of course.  So my insurance had been cancelled, and I needed to appeal it.  Honestly I still don't know if I have any now, so probably I should call them again tomorrow.  

Due to my insurance less self, I decided not to call the doctor.  I'd have Schrodinger's pregnancy.  It was equally alive and dead at all times.  None of my previous problems could have been prevented, so what was the point?  About a week after the test I started spotting over the weekend.  I thought; this is it, and expected to just miscarry.  I stopped after 2 days.  A few days later I started spotting again, but a little more.  I decided I couldn't wait any longer and went in.  There was a heart beat.  I watched it move around.  I was in complete shock.  I fully expected there not to be.  There were also pockets of blood through out my uterus.  No exercise, no heavy lifting.   It was like those words deflated me.  All my outlets, everything keeping me sane was not allowed and it was a terribly hard time.  It was of course worth it, the chance, the maybe.  I knew that, but my skies were very very cloudy.  To go from such activity, to being required to "hang out" was awful.  I couldn't even begin think about writing.  Every time it went through my head I couldn't fathom what words to use.  I didn't listen to music, nothing.  We set the next appt for 2 weeks later, on a Thursday. I calculated the dates, and though I couldn't be sure due to the fact who knows when I ovulated after the other loss, I felt like it should have been measuring 2 weeks later.  

The Sunday before my appt I became convinced the baby had died.  The few symptoms I had lessened, and I couldn't wait until Thursday to find out.    On monday I went in to see the RN as both the doctors were out that day.  She was less experienced with the ultra sound, but I could tell right away there was no heartbeat.  I cried for the rest of that day, G and J comforting me.  I went to get my blood drawn and waited for my appt with the doctor on Thurs.  I went in, they confirmed my levels were dropping, and we did an ultra sound.  The baby measured exactly a week behind what it should have been according to the last measurements, so I'd lost it a couple days before I'd become convinced of it.  I skipped the pills, because fuck those things, and went in for surgery the next day.  I came home, laid about, J taking care of me.  After putting G to bed cried for a good 2 hours and ate my weight in chocolate and Brie cheese.  

That happened a week and a half ago.  I was 10 weeks pregnant.  Now I'm not.  

The song above gets me out of bed in the morning.  I'm starting kickboxing class again tomorrow.  I'm have a packed week planned.  We will be preventing pregnancy.  For the first time in 2.5 years.  I'm not considering the possibility until January.  I'm spending this summer and fall on me.  On this life that I have right now.  And I'm excited.  I have an appointment with the specialist that I expect very little from, but would appreciate being surprised.  I'll absorb the information as it comes, and make decisions accordingly.  I'm feeling very supported by J.  If I wanted to start TTC next month he'd support me 100% which lifted the weight of 'he's going to make me stop' right off my shoulders.  

My birthday is this week.  I have 3 posts in my brain right now.  I'm breathing deep, and I'm dancing every day.  

*My quote is from Mary Poppins.  That line always made me laugh.