"It was kind of a trampy year for mommy."

My house was built with a freestanding roof, there's no load bearing walls, it supports itself somehow.  (Magic potentially.)  When deciding where to put walls, we did a pretty open concept, which I love.  However, it doesn't really lend for much storage.  The bedrooms all have very nice closets, but that's essentially it for places I can shove shit.  J just recently redid my laundry area, that will be a post in itself because holy awesome sauce batman it kicks ass, which gave me a place to store besides the normal laundry stuff, our costco purchases, aka jumbo paper towels, toilet paper and ziploc bags for days.  These things had been kept in the Stupid Spare Room closet along with a bunch of large baby items.  You can see where this is going I'm sure.

There was also the room itself.  As an early attempt not to get attached to the last pregnancy that I was sure was doomed I brought up turning it into an exercise room as well as it's current capacity as Stupid Spare Room.  It is very convenient to have a spare room, and it's used often enough to justify having it, but I was thinking J goes to bed very early, and it's hard for me to use the treadmill in our bedroom knowing he's trying to sleep.  We'd been talking about central air, so why not have it be the exercise/spare room?  It would help me to have that room getting more usage instead of it sitting there empty, mocking me with my first world too much space problem.  

But then the fact the it would be $10,000 to install all the things needed for AC and that was quickly abandoned.  That room is a sauna in the summer, (something that would be remedied should a kid need it, but even temporary fixes aren't justifiable expenses for me to...sweat...without dying.) so there's no way I'd be able to run in there, which kind of defeated the purpose.  There is also the fact that I like we have a king bed in there, and it turns out king futons don't exist and Murphy beds are effin expensive and there really isn't enough room for me to do other work outs with a bed and a treadmill in there.  

J suggested we clear out the room below our house that's unfinished but finished enough to be used for something like that and use it as our exercise room. It still has it's cement floor, minimal windows, and is easily the coolest non ac'd section of the house, so that made sense.  We have yet to do it, but perhaps that'll come.   

When we first started trying to conceive G was a year old.  It made sense to keep all these things up here, the swing, walker and saucer of neglect were either still in use or would be used again very soon.  We all know how that's been going.  Should we try again, me taking home a kid is at minimum 14 months away.  (FUUUUUUUCK.)  Ahem.  With storage at a premium it seem ridiculous to keep them in there.  We could be hanging our winter coats and "formal" wear there, to free up some needed space in our closet.  It's big but, like the rest of our house unfinished.  Someday, it'll be amazing, I promise.  

So weirdly enough, I spent Mother's Day afternoon taking apart and putting in storage all the baby shit we don't need.  I'd been talking to J about putting them in storage with contractors bags to protect them, and for some reason Mother's Day became my deadline for it.  I was annoyed with Mother's Day.  Which makes me feel like a greedy bitch, because I have a living breathing kid to utter the words 'happy mother's day mom!' and So. Many. Moms. Don't.  But I've been thinking it over, and decided that maybe I was less angry that I didn't 'get my way', and more sad that I don't have all the babies I love so much with me to celebrate, which is pretty much how I feel with all holidays, it's just that this one is about moms so I'm sensitive to how lucky I am despite my constant feeling of being unfulfilled.  Anyway, J had bought an outside table chairs set for his mom and as we talked about the bags he said, why don't we put them in that box?  

With the exception the swing it all fit perfectly.  No room for anything else.  He taped it up and took it downstairs while I washed up G in the bath.  

I had a really wonderful Mother's Day.  I'd been gone the week before with G, and we had missed J something fierce, so to be with him the entire day, wake up next to him in the morning, hold his hand, cuddle while watching a movie during nap time, was exactly what I needed.  His physical presence was so reassuring while I felt so conflicted about the Motherhood portion of my life.  J and G went out early to get his mom the present, so I had the house to myself in the morning, something to be treasured, then we went out to lunch with our moms, and his brother cooked a fantastic dinner that evening.  I spent it with the people I wanted to.  I didn't have to do any dishes.  *Jersey fist pump.* 

And I took an important step in my journey.  I'm still in procreation purgatory.  Until I have a baby or decide to stop trying, I will remain here.  I stand at the door of the Stupid Spare Room wondering how to make it look 'right'.  Moving the furniture this way and that, knowing I'm looking for a place to put the crib and changing table.  But I'm not letting it be all I think about.  My entire identity.  I'm making room for a healthier life, while maybe recuperating some so I can try again with hope instead of bitterness and doomed thoughts.  I can do this.  I can be a healthy wife and mom, who misses her babies, dotes on the beautiful one she got to keep, and maybe have hope left for another one too. 

*My quote, while we were gone we watched a movie every night after I put G asleep.  My favorite was Guilt Trip with Barbara Streisand and Seth Rogan.  It was so. funny.  But the part that made me laugh the hardest was when Barbara Streisand uttered the line I'm sure to have use for in a few years, so I had to use it as my title.