"Several animals were harmed in the making of this film. A piece of shit horse nobody liked and a gecko we straight up lost."

 

Maybe 2 days before our wedding.

Look at this strange girl.  I don't even recognize her.  Wouldn't know her if I passed her on the street.  

A few months before I got married I went to the 'gine doctor to make sure all was well.  Of course the upcoming nuptials were discussed.  

"You want my advice?  Wait a few years before having kids!  Enjoy marriage just the 2 you!"

I made noises in agreement, knowing full well we would not be waiting one minute after getting married before trying to conceive.  I was 29 years old, it was time to get the show on the road yo.  

I had forgotten, or didn't really comprehend, how much hormones affect me.  

Some things just stick with you; start date of last period?  November 18, 2008.  A hundred doctors appointments this was my answer.  So, taking into account the 2 week time frame where you are not actually pregnant though it counts as pregnancy, we had 3 weeks of normal us.  For our entire marriage.  Then I was knocked up, breastfeeding until 16 months, and then the losses.  (Not to mention I quit smoking, which is an entirely different tangent, but one that applies here because I'm fairly certain I jacked some neural pathways that will never be repaired by inhaling nicotine every hour or so.  I still miss smoking.)

I don't regret not waiting, not even a little bit.  Holy shit if the universe ever came together and Did Something Right it was when we made her.  

But I wonder sometimes.  What we'd be like if we'd had that time under our belts.  Maybe not much different.  We lived together for a year, had been dating 2 and a half years total.  I just wish my poor husband could have experienced me as a wife before I went off the deep end, never to return.  

I am so changed.  I'll never be that girl.  I don't even look like her anymore.  I look at our wedding pictures and I marvel.  If she met me now she'd never believe it.  I'm thinner now actually.  My muscles are coming along nicely (or at a snail's pace depending on the day, where the hell is that six pack I've been trying for?!), I'm much more active, I eat healthier than ever before.  But it's the face.  I look at the before pictures and it takes my breath away.  I wonder if people who haven't seen me in awhile are as shocked as I am.  Does my forehead contain the neon sign GRIEF that I think it does?  

It's funny, when people ask how long we've been together I say, oh only  5 years married, 7.5 total.  It seems like such a drop in the bucket.  In my mind we're still beginning, still newlyweds.  

Which is a significant difference than my mindset with my ex. When people asked how long we'd been together I'd be like holy SHIT X amount of years!!  And they'd say wow that's a long time, and I was all I know, I thought we would have broken up a long time ago.  Crazy.

Five years ago, on a ship in the middle of the ocean we said I do.  We've had fairly rough waters.  (Fucking punning and shit.)  But we've gotten through them.  The first loss, when I thought I would float away into the atmosphere on the cloud of my sadness, I'd wake up with a death grip on his arm.  Keeping me tied to the earth with his physical presence.  His arms around me as I cried. Telling me to go to kickboxing more often, when really, we couldn't afford the gas.  He is so obnoxious sometimes, (all the time) but damn do I love him.  I'm so grateful he agreed when I informed him we should get married.  I'm in awe of the home he literally built with his own hands for us.  I appreciate his hard work, and that  he hangs up his towel every day.  I don't have words to express how it feels knowing he's beside me 100% in all decisions we've made, and we've had to make heartbreaking choices during our fledgling marriage.  But we made them together.   

Here's hoping I continue to fight the urge to junk punch you.  I love you my sweet.  Happy anniversary.  

*My quote is from the tweet section of Dooce's Things I Found While Looking Around post.  Hilarious.