*SPOILER ALERT If you haven't seen Return to Zero or don't want to read about it skip this post*
I recorded this movie with the intention of ignoring it until who knows, when I have a rainbow baby or something crazy, but then my cable box was jacking up and the guy is coming tomorrow and will probably change them out and it wasn't showing again so I watched it.
UGH.
First. That is exactly what it feels like. It feels like Epically Losing Your Shit and The World Ends. Here's the thing though. I have only been able to Lose My Shit. The Epically part has been fairly internal. I have a kid I have to feed and bathe and love (Poor fucking me right? Please, she is my reason for living.) and at least attempt to give a 'normal' life. Also. I'm kinda in the baby loss business it seems, and I really couldn't Epically Lose My Shit for 3 and a half years. There's rules. Like after the first year you have to go to rehab or a mental hospital or something. Turns out there's not really a time limit on just plain old Losing Your Shit though. So far I mean. I haven't been sent away yet. Also I did not get to flip the fuck out on people. There was no poorly timed clerk denying me something, there was no religious fanatic telling me it was all god's plan. I was thinking maybe I'm just super unapproachable/outspoken about my atheism or something? But I don't know. I absolutely believe people say shit like that but I have NO CLUE how I would respond. Back in the trenches and today. Just wow.
Second. My doctor, the poor person who has pretty much had to deliver about 50% of my shitty news, is a 70 year old man. I wonder what would have been different had he been a fellow BLM my age. The other 50% was shared between this doctor I've blocked the name of at the 'your shit is fucked' doctor office, PA at my normal office, and the aforementioned doctor's wife who also works my normal office. Lucky them.
Third. I was like blown the fuck away at her doctor being an obstetrician after losing a baby. But then I realized she had 2 rainbow babies, all was well.
Fourth. Holy shit I can't believe she went to a baby shower. I was like you are crazy biotch. But then I realized. My BFF? I'd figure it out. I'd be there for hers too.
Fifth. Dear Vegas for the entire month of December, wanna hang out?
The end was kind of anticlimactic for me. Of course they had their rainbow baby. The names though, at the end, of all the babies lost. I wasn't expecting that, and I felt like I had to read each and every one. They deserved that you know? But it was just...I don't even have words for that.
It's interesting how affected I am by this movie. I've been foggy/weepy all day I'm sure because of it. Can't wait for the cable guy to show tomorrow and be like "Yeah we're not gonna do anything right now, thanks for the call though." only to have me flip the fuck out over watching the baby loss movie in preparation for his arrival. Should be fun. I'm overdue apparently.
*My quote is from What to Expect When You're Expecting which is actually a super funny ass movie that I watched obsessively during one of my failed pregnancies. I can't place which one now though. Awkward.
My mind is fucking blown.
ReplyDeleteI actually did have people tell me things like everything happens for a reason. I didn't have the nerve to say anything back though, I just nodded in shock.
ReplyDeleteMy son's name was one at the end of the film. It was a very special touch.
What is the actual movie? i don't know if I should recommend it to my mom or not.
ReplyDeleteMy psyxhic trauma was of a very different nature than was yours, but it's still trauma. I did have some idiot who worked with my mom given me the "everything happens for a reason" line. My mom told her to shut the hell up. they don't work together, so, it doesn't really matter.
It's bizarre when a movie mirrors your own life so uncannily.
This post speaks to me like a freshly poured glass of Chardonnay.
ReplyDeleteI recorded this movie the night it was released. Never grew balls big enough to watch it. I let Tivo delete it.
I lost my shit epically a while back. Went ape on an unsuspecting Blue Cross Blue Shield agent who tried to tell me what's what about a D&C. Wrong place, wrong time, Dude. Now I am getting by...but after reading your post I realized I am actually in the midst of some ongoing, low-level losing of the shit. Right this very minute, I'm supposed to be working on a work project and instead I'm stuffing myself with a bag of chocolate chips and reading blogs. Something's not quite right.
Is this what it's going to be like for us, forever? Or is it possible to drink enough alcoholic beverages to eventually wipe out all the thoughts? Time will tell, I guess.
I haven't heard from you for awhile. I hope you and G. are oK.
ReplyDeletei think you have every right to lose your shit epically, non-epically, or however best suits you.
P.S> Everything doe NOT happen for a reason. The universe doesn't give a flying fuck about any of us. That is the reason we should care about each other.