“You read my diary?” “At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.”

We know 15 babies from 4 months older to 7 months younger than G. This makes me seem like I have a shit ton of friends, I really don’t. Also, some of it is family. It was so bizarre; everyone just got knocked up all at once. These are people I know, in real life. My kid has met their kid, 8 of them came to her birthday this year, 4 of the 7 that didn’t desperately wished they could. I shared my pregnancy with most of these families, talked to them about the changes, have kissed their babies’ cheeks. It has happened before, maybe 5 years ago? I knew of 10 women pregnant at once, I even wrote about it in my my.space blog. It comes in waves I guess. It seems to be happening once again. 1 friend gave birth this week, another due at the end of this month. There are 5 babies due in March, April, or May of next year, not counting myself. One of the girls, due in March, I’ve known for easily 20 years. That blows my mind too. But I moved here the first time in 5th grade, and I believe I met her around 6th. Sweet sweet girl. I had dinner and enjoyed music in the park with her this summer. A mutual friend of ours texted me yesterday she’d lost her baby last week. I had a moment where I wasn’t here; I was swept back to the hospital 10 months ago, lying in that bed wondering how I was going to live through this. I’m a little annoyed that my initial reaction was so self centered, but I recognize I have no control over it, and I’m far from done grieving so I just need to get over that. I wrote her an email, and our friend asked her to come to coffee with us, which I hope she does. But in all honesty I’m scared. I’m scared to drown in that grief that was so all consuming again. I’m scared that I’m not a good success story to help her get through this. My physical healing was longer than normal and included ‘rare’ complications. And my emotional healing, well shit, I carry a mantra around in my bra still, not to mention bi weekly doctor’s appointments where I inevitably end up in tears. I’m scared that I won’t bring her any peace, just questions and pain. Will that stop me? No. Absolutely not. I will do everything I can to help her. I will undoubtedly cry with her, and offer my shoulders if she ever needs them, hugs and emails if she'll accept them. But I just needed to take a minute and acknowledge how I feel about this, so I can concentrate on how she’s feeling when I’m with her. I’m scared, and I’m so so sad this is happening to someone else. ******** The wedding went really really well. I wore an empire waist dress, so my belly didn’t really show, but I had not taken into account the chesticle changes that had occurred. My lawd. J was on boob watch, he was to bring to my attention immediately anytime they were attempting to free themselves from the dress. He was pleased to be assigned that job. I did tell my family, and they were very happy and excited. They didn’t seem upset that I had waited so long, and I hope that continued later on when they realized how long I’d been keeping quiet about it. I had a really good conversation with my sister about the how different the pregnancies had been, that included Little T’s. (Very few people know about my loss at 6 weeks.) I often feel tainted in a way; like that pregnancy is an unmentionable. People don’t want to make me uncomfortable, or upset me, I understand. But it was REALLY nice to talk about it without back pats and sad eyes being made at me. I had a wonderful time seeing everyone, and any excuse for G to see family is good in my eyes, she loved playing with her cousin and aunts. *whew* I have to admit, I am so relieved to have that behind me. Now to concentrate on the harvest festival next weekend! My in laws tried their hand at gardening, and I will be the first to admit it was a success! To say that we don’t really need the 27 pumpkins that have been picked thus far is an understatement. So we invited some friends to come over to pick out pumpkins and have popcorn and cookies that G and I will (attempt to) make this week. I’m going to include her in all the aspects of it, so it should make for some interesting cookies. Hopefully edible. I’m very excited. Plus I might have her wear her elephant costume for it that is so adorable on her. She grabs the trunk and trumpets all the time. I love Halloween. *Guts update* You guys, I’m a pretty open TMI blogger. I know this and have accepted it, but probably I should remain vague at times regardless. So suffice to say, the bathroom is giving me issues. Just all of it. My uterus is growing directly on my bladder and dried fruit gives me indigestion. I’m continuing to eat it anyway, because the other option is worse. I am supposed to be drinking tons of water, and I may have been overdoing it because the 30 minute car ride the other day almost ended with me in tears. So. I suppose this means everything is growing nicely, and that I can complain about such frivolous things means my mental issues are on the back burner for today. Yay me. :)