I daydream about finding a job far away for the month of December. Like maybe in Arizona. Where it's warm, but I'm not abondoning my family for a beach and an umbrella. I don't want a vacation.
In my head I work hard, (doing who knows what) 10 to 12 hours a day. I get home, (a completely christmas free pristine hotel room, with a bed, tv, a bathroom, nothing fancy) have a sandwich, go work out for 2 hours and come home and drink vodka until I'm unconscious.
My family is more than capable of making sure G had a wonderful holiday without me. In fact it would be exponentially easier for them if they didn't have to worry about when I'm going to spazz out again due to the decorations being visual intrusions that cause my anxiety to increase, or when I falter when G talks about Santa with wonder in her eyes. They could do whatever their hearts desire and it would be a glorious thing, you can be sure.
G would be fine with her dad. I could skype every night, I'm fully capable of faking enthusiasm for that period of time knowing I can settle back into my Scroogeness with gusto. I'd send home every cent I made, contributing to the fabulousness G would experience.
I've always been fairly indifferent about this holiday, even before the losses I could take it or leave it. But now all I want to do is leave it.
It would never happen though. I cried all day when I left G for 4 nights, I can't imagine a month. Unless someone has the perfect job opening for me.....
Only one more week and I have survived this month. I can't wait.
*My quote is from my Pretend Friend during a conversation about taking on some buddhist traditions, but not the leaving food at the alter one. Food is expensive. Plus I'd have a hard time throwing away food meant for my alter and it'd rot and we'd get fruit flies pissing off my ancestors. Or whatever I put in my alter seeing as I'm not sure I have any ancestors that wouldn't already be pissed off for being there in the first place. It's just best to avoid it altogether.
As you know, I'm totally with you. Maybe we could go harvest coffee beans in Columbia, or the moutains of Peru. It's really nice down there.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a relatively stress-free holiday season (it's almost over!), and hoping that 2014 is a happy, healthy year for you! :)
I am ABSOLUTELY down to harvest coffee beans in Columbia or Peru. Sounds perfect!
DeleteGawd. I feel you. Today has been insanely hard. I've cried many tears and just want to wish it all away. :/
ReplyDeleteSending light and love, we all need it.
DeleteOne more week and you've survived. I'm holding on to that thought, too.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful we're almost there.
DeleteI hope you're getting through this week without too much pain and heartache. Thinking of you now and always.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm doing as well as can be expected I think. Love to you as well.
DeleteI hope you're still making it through OK. In five more wake-ups (unless you nap, which adds to the number of wake-ups) this month will be history.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha!! No napping for this girl! But YES! I can't wait!!
DeleteG always needs you & you need her & you need to be needed by her. One thing is for sure, you are never a dormant facade. Life sometimes falls(fails)fiercely, but G is such an excellent reason to get back up again. Just when it feels like you are tending a concrete garden day after F-ing day, look at her face. There. That is damn worth it. And so are you.
ReplyDeleteHave you somewhat recovered from December?
ReplyDelete