“How’s your life?” “Like everybody else’s-subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking.”

Thank you so much for the comments and support on my previous ranty blog. I guess I just didn’t stop to consider that it is possible that that version of life could be a reality to some people. Even before my loss I knew it would take longer than a paragraph to heal, that such large compromises generally lead to resentments, and that adoption does not fall into your lap. But there are those out there that can honestly read that book and not be offended, and I shouldn’t begrudge them that. I guess. On to the hypothetical questions. What I’m thinking about this week; would I donate eggs to my sisters, my friends, strangers? (Obviously assuming they are wanted, and you know, pass all the requirements.) Would I become a surrogate? What about already fertilized eggs? Are my thoughts any different now than before having G? Or before my loss? I will not be addressing if I should need any of these things because a) we couldn’t afford it, period, and b) I’m being all super positive thinking and “This will work!” about our attempts so I don’t want to contemplate the other side. When I was in my early 20s I did fill out an online application to donate my eggs. I’d already decided I wasn’t having kids. I assumed I would always be in not so healthy relationships, seeing as this is what the women in my family do, and I would not bring a child into such an unstable environment. I figured I wasn’t using them, someone else should benefit. Of course they turned me down rather quickly. I can’t imagine why, perhaps it was based on the fact that I was an underweight smoker with crooked teeth and a strong family background in depression and bipolar disorders. Also my eggs were unproven as healthy since I’d never been pregnant. *snort* I’m surprised they didn’t block me from ever going onto their website again. Now that I’ve had G I don’t think I’d donate my eggs to strangers. I guess my eggs now equal my babies in my mind. While the book did bring up a good point in the cousins/siblings thing, I think I would donate if my sisters needed them. I have no clue what would be said to the children as they got older, but I am (one of) my sisters’ closest genetic match in life. Not to mention, there’s nothing I could leave out by mistake. They know our family, they all the potential genetic flaws and strengths. It makes sense to me. Plus I know and like the people my sisters are. This includes my step sisters as well, except for the genetic part, although it would make things interesting as they’re Asian, and I’m not. Friends. I really don’t know. I think I can’t wrap my brain around it as no one is coming to mind as an example of someone who would ask. I think I’d have to talk it over with J as well, he should probably have a say on what goes on with his kid’s siblings. To add to my train of thought; my cousin has had 2 successful pregnancies with IVF, a boy and twin girls, but they now have 5 or 6 fertilized eggs, frozen and waiting, which they will not be using. They have an added difficulty in deciding what they want to do since they are religious, I am not, so my rationalizations are probably much different than theirs, but that also adds what ifs to the mix. This is tough. They would be G’s full siblings. I’d like to think that I would put them up for adoption. I wouldn’t want them destroyed, not for the moral issue, but just for the waste, those babies are wanted, I just don’t know by whom yet. I like the idea that I could pick them myself, but honestly, how well can you get to know perfect strangers who want to have babies 10 years ago? There isn’t time to have BBQs and quality moments, finding out their sense of humor and stand on gay marriage. (That would be a deal breaker.) I guess I’d just have to do the best I could. Maybe do semi open where the kids could find us if they ever wanted to. I was considering surrogacy as well. Again, I wasn’t going to have babies, but I did want to experience growing a baby. It would have to be their eggs; I didn’t think I could become pregnant with my own egg and give it up. But I do feel I could mentally handle knowing from the beginning this was someone else’s baby, I would just be the middle (wo)man. Then I got pregnant with G. Please believe every moment was ABSOLUTELY worth it, but oh mah gah I am not a glowy happy pregnant woman. I barf a lot. I get so fatigued I don’t know what to do with myself, indigestion, bad smells. Also, I was injured in a car accident when I was 17. I have residual pain from that, I assume for life, but I live with it. As soon as those pregnancy hormones hit I ache. From top to bottom, I can feel every injury, I have no idea why. Suffice to say, I don’t know if I could spend 9 months being that selfless. I’d like to be, but I just don’t think I have it in me. Not to mention, it’d be so hard being someone’s hope of everything. I don’t know that I could handle the worry that something would go wrong knowing that other people want this so much. It's hard enough doing it for my husband and me. My sister has on numerous occasions offered to be a surrogate for me if needed, which I think is adorable seeing as her number one phobia in the world is puking, and that’s what I spent 4 months doing. She maintains she’d do it for me, and maybe she’d be one of the lucky non barfers, something that makes my heart surge with love for that girl. Interestingly enough, I do not have good luck donating anything. I have never been able to donate blood because of 2 transfusions, various tattoos and piercings, and once I didn't weigh enough. I also tried to donate breast milk to no avail. I pumped like a mad woman when G was first born, only to find out she has issues with dairy, and my entire freezer full was worthless. When I tried to donate that I was told there was an abundance of supply available, they were backlogged on screening and therefore not taking donations. What?! I should have called hospitals in my area that have NICU's I think. Our local one isn't equipped, and ships them out, so I didn't think to check others. So those are my thoughts. It’s an issue that is fighting a tough road ahead with the recent convictions of prominent adoption/surrogacy attorneys, and various others involved in a baby selling ring. If you’d like to read a very well written blog covering that subject, here it is. http://thesmartness.com/smartone/2011/08/the-erickson-baby-selling-scandal-we-all-fall-down.html Sorry I don't have link skills. Do you have any opinions on the matter? What would you be willing/able to do? What is beyond your capabilities? No judgment, just wondering.