"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls!"

I had my doctor's appointment yesterday to go over the results of all the bloodwork I'd done various times last month. I know! I never even mentioned it! As I was making my bed after putting G down for her nap I realized I'd never written about it on here, and I wasn't nearly as anxious as I was the last appointment. I mean I was by no means looking forward to it, but I wasn't having to stop every 5 minutes and put my head between my knees in an attempt not to pass out from the anxiety like I had to last time from like 2 days before my appointment on. I was super proud; back patting and mental high fiving myself. Then I made lunch, sat down at the computer and burst into tears before I even opened anything up. Burn. I guess being in control of my emotions was fun for that 5 minutes.

Actually I'm fine with my crying. I know it wasn't because of the actual doctor's appointment, it was because I'd be discussing pregnancy, and discussing pregnancy brings to the foreground those that are always floating around in my head and heart, and that makes me sad because I miss them. I miss them with every breath I take, it's just that sometimes it gets too hard to breathe and it turns into sobs. I don't berate myself for that.

I remain proud of my keeping my anxiety somewhat under control. I was fine until I sat down in his office, which is light years better than last time. Then I was sweaty palmed and dry mouthed. But I was able to conduct conversation, so that's what matters.

All my test results came back very normal, and I am ovulating. So this means either the OPK was wrong, I just didn't hit the right day to get a positive result, or I've started ovulating at some point after doing the kit. Whatever, it's nice to know shit is working, in theory at least.

I was talking to J about the results, and I told him that getting knocked up is not going to solve our problems, it will hypothetically take us a step closer to our ultimate goal; another living baby, but in all honesty it will also just bring on a whole new set of problems. Right now our problems are I'm sad, I miss our babies, and that I am currently not pregnant. Which sucks ass, but I am dealing with it as well as I can. Should I get knocked up the first 2 problems will remain the same, and undoubtedly become amplified, but the 3rd will morph into a laundry list of other things, centering around what I eat, do, feel, and whether that child will survive. At least in the trying to get pregnant I have things I am able to do to contribute to the goal. Once I'm pregnant, I'm free floating with my awful thoughts and finger crossing.

In my head, my statistics of bringing home a kid after pregnancy are 25%. 4 pregnancies, 1 kid. Not very good I'm afraid. I realize these are not the actual statistics, that they are just what has happened thus far, but it's what my brain computes.

When I lost Little T my thoughts to help me through it was to get pregnant as quickly as possible, when I ended up having 2 D&Cs within 5 weeks of each other, and then an early miscarriage I was terrified I'd lost the ability to carry a baby. It was all I thought about. Now even that takes a back burner. My ability to carry is nothing if the baby doesn't have the ability to live once it's born.

So my thoughts have been conflicted since having Little M. I'm....ashamed? Scared? Horrified? to admit that I dread getting pregnant as much as I long for it. The more time it takes to happen the longer I have until I lose another one I guess. Not very positive thinking I'm afraid. Which is why though I'm devastated each month it ends up not happening, I cry each time as though it's the first, I'm never really surprised.

And now I've managed to turn excellent test results into the most depressing post ever, yay me! I'm writing all this to try and get used to it. I need to own my feelings, not be ashamed of them, and if they're bad, I need to find a way to change them around into something better. I think purging them instead of hiding them is a good start. Next is positive thinking. Maybe not about trying to control the outcome, but about my ability to handle whatever the outcome may be. Buddhist shit right? Perhaps I'll start there.

To prevent everyone reading this running to the liquor cabinet I'm closing with one of my favorite scenes from a movie ever. We've been singing this song for 3 days around here because I've been watching it to cheer myself up, G will have it memorized in no time.




Is it fucked up how much that scene makes me laugh? Oh it's gotta be, that can't be right.