"Also, I have a whole box of organic tampons that was rolled the wrong way so they open up very uncomfortably. They go well with my lack of eyesight and lung capacity I must say."

G was invited to her first swim birthday party.  Which yay for her!!  Unfortunately I had to go all 'crazy girl' about it.  I was nervous.  I'm embarrassed to admit it.  I've worked hard on this body, I feel healthy and strong, and I am adamant about owning who you are and what you look like.  I don't give 2 shits about how anyone else looks in their bathing suit, big, small, old, young, whatever!  You're gorgeous!!  I PROMISE you are, work it!!  But while I'm close with the mom, I don't know her family or other friends and I was stressed about being half naked in front of new people.  I had the following conversation with J:

"Babe, I'm feeling self conscious about being in a bathing suit at the swim party with the zits on my arms and legs and my jiggly thighs and the loose skin where I used to have boobs for that five minutes and my zebra striped weirdo tan lines and I need some encouragement."  

He looks up. "What the fu...no one else will see that shit.  I think you look good.  And FUCK everyone else."

My poet.  But he was right.  No one else would see that shit.  I tried to reassure myself.  Meanwhile the universe caught wind of my shallow plight, and laughed heartily saying:  I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I own 3 bathing suits, one I bought just before our wedding cruise and is white and cute, but due to bodily changes brought about by pregnancy and nursing, the thin white material is no longer very appropriate.  It and the second one have tie sides on the bottoms, which I do not find flattering for my figure.  I feel like they cut in to the side of my hips and draw attention to the aforementioned jiggly thighs.  Also, I've lost weight and the second one just doesn't fit right anymore.  Which left bathing suit number 3.  Cute bottoms and top, not massively revealing, somewhat flattering, the obvious choice.  I try it on, and note the bottoms feel a bit bigger than they used to but don't give it a second thought, not even thinking about the fact it's 15 years old.  Apparently there's a shelf life or something.

The day of the party the high was to be 110, which is actually a good thing because I don't like swimming unless it's in the triple digits.  I was a little worried about whether there would be shade and how crazy G would get because it was directly during naptime, but I was still also stressing about stripping down. 

 We arrive, step out of the car, and are instantly coated in a layer of sweat.  G informs me she needs to urgently use the restroom.  We find the bathroom by the pool and as I lean over to put her on the toilet the plastic clasp on the back of my top breaks apart.  I'm like; Ho. Ly. Fuck.  Luckily I was super lazy about an alteration I'd done and had safety pinned it instead of sewing it, so I was saved.  I pinned it together, and realized this was not going to work over my shoulders.  Leaving wedging it on over my sweaty ass as the only way to get it on.  Lawd.  G looks at me like I'm a nutjob and says MOM.  What ARE you DOING?!!  and I was like mind your business, go play with the faucet or something.  I have to be very delicate about this process because if I snap this safety pin I'm screwed, there's nothing else to use.  I finally get it up and on and we're in business!  WHEW!!  We step outside very ready for the pool.

I find a place for our stuff, get G in her life jacket and in we go.  As soon as the water hits my hips I realize, the bottoms I thought were a bit big, despite the fact I bought them when I was smaller, have zero elasticity left.  They're just swaying in time to the water to and from my body.  For fuck sake.  I wasn't going to be doing much swimming anyway, as I had G with me, but that sealed the deal, they would just slide right off if my feet didn't remain planted on the floor.  But even better?  Exiting the pool.  I had to bunch up a wad of it in my hand, grab the sarong I decided to bring LAST MINUTE and tie it as tight as I could around the water logged bottoms trying desperately to succumb to gravity's bidding. All while trying to help G, who can't stand still without randomly falling over on land let alone in water, get up the stair as well. Ridiculous.

The rest of the party goes very well.  I no longer give one little shit about what people may think of my pasty jiggly thighs, my only concern is to avoid having to register as a se.x off.ender for exposing myself to a large group of kids age 1 to 14.    

G starts spacing out and I decide she's been without nap long enough and we go.  She sleeps for a bit, but of course refuses to go back down when we get home.  Due to the high temperature and our crap ac all the black out curtains are closed and the fans are blasting, so I just let her chill on the couch in her undies for a bit watching cartoons.  J gets home from work and I regale him with my story.   He tells me; 

"Get a bathing suit.  A real one, not from walmart for $10."

And I blink at him for a second before dutifully sitting down at the computer.  He joins me and we end up at vic.toria's se.cret.  They're having a sale so we scroll through the options.  I find a pair of bottoms I really like, they look comfortable and flattering for my body type, and I imagine being able to wear them with confidence.  I was planning to just get the 2 pieces of triangle shaped fabric for the top because all the trimmings sincerely isn't going to do much for my tiny chest.  But J insisted I look at other options, and tells me I'm allowed to pick something I feel pretty in.  Interesting.  I pick a simple underwire top, and J desperately wants me to get it in blue.  Weirdo, but being that I truly don't care so long as it isn't covered in sparkles or odd decorations I acquiesce.  I triple check the sizing and measurements, there's no way I wear that size, and click submit.  

It was expensive.  In my eyes at least.  Everyone else I've talked to think it's a pretty fair price.  But it came in the mail yesterday, and it fits perfectly!  And I feel cute!!  I'll be able to go to the next swim party G was invited to at the end of the month with confidence!  I'm so glad I bought it.  And I keep telling myself, if it lasts anywhere close to 15 years it's totally worth it.  I will be very diligent about any changes it may go through however.  And I've put safety pins in my purse.  Those little bastards are awesome.   

*My quote: My BFF Pretend Friend was having a very bad no good kind of day.  But damn if she didn't make me laugh my ass off when this showed up on her facebook status for all to see.