Where I am 2013: 2 years 5 months and 19 days.

I am 2 years, 5 months, 19 days from my first loss at 15 weeks, 1 year, 10 months, 27 days from my second loss at 8 weeks, 1 year, 6 months, 5 days from my third loss at 23 weeks, 5 months 30 days from my fourth loss at 8 weeks, and 2 months, 9 days from my fifth loss at 10 weeks.

Man.  That paragraph sucks ass.  

It's very close to my due date for my first loss.  I should be planning a second birthday party and here I am unsure I'll ever have a second child to plan anything for.  

 This is my contribution for this project last year.  It is beyond disheartening that I am essentially in the same place, except with even less hope to give G a sibling in the future.  

We are preventing pregnancy for the first time since we began to try and conceive 2.5 years ago.  I am gathering my wits, focusing on myself, G, my husband, our lives and taking the roller coaster of hope and loss out of the equation.  Of course, the loss remains.  

I am attempting to ease myself into accepting the fact G may actually be the only baby I get to keep.  All the clothing in bins in storage for the next one may never be used by us.  Each time I switch the clothes from one season to the next I keep less and less.  I've removed the toys G is too old to play with from the house instead of keeping them in the spare room's closet.  I don't think about what colors I'd paint it's walls.  

I've had to acknowledge my health is a good enough reason to take vitamins, eat healthy.  For so long it was for the maybe baby, when that no longer became an option, the temptation to not give a shit, to eat badly, start smoking again was very high.  I've had to convince myself I'm more than just a vessel.  I need to treat myself well just for the sake of me, not just for the sake of others.  

It's hard to figure out where the grief ends and I begin.  What is now just a part of my personality and is here to stay versus what will ease with time.  

I struggle with making new friends.  It's inconceivable to me that I could become close with someone who doesn't know my story, but I have no clue when to tell it.   Or how.  What words can I possibly say to describe all that we have been through, without belittling or minimizing it but also not completely overwhelming and terrifying the new potential friend?  Especially since it will most likely be a compassionate mother?  (I don't see myself making many new friends without kids right now) I don't want to put the reality of my story in their world.  I want to protect them I guess.  Let them think all goes right in the world, pregnancies end in babies you take home.  

So much unnecessary pressure I put on myself.  Maybe someday I will figure out what I'm comfortable with sharing, to whom, and when.   Or maybe it will always be this hard.  

I keep very busy, G and I are always on the go.  I exercise every day, and when I don't the effect is very noticeable.  I go outside, sit in the sun.  I cuddle, I read, I dance, I love.  I cry.  Not as much anymore, but often.  I cry for myself, my babies, my daughter.  For friends of friends and complete strangers. I am so so grateful for the life I have.  I try to heal.  I miss my babies all the time.  

And I listen to this song every single day.  It helps.  It all helps. 

Edited to add: I forgot to provide the link to the wonderful blog that started this all.  Go on over and support everyone right where they are HERE.