"Just focus on your breath, your terrible, terrible, breath. Where is the bull that did this to you? Probably out partying with his friends."

G's first birthday was for me, the culmination of about a 2 year period of complete familial immersion after essentially acting like an orphan my entire adult life.  We had the bridal shower, the wedding, the reception, the baby shower, it was party party non stop.  However, none of them were thrown by me.


I had never thrown a birthday party before and I was terrified.  A. Lot. of people would be attending.  I had never been in charge of decorating, menu making, FOOD preparations for a large group of people before!  I have since calmed the fuck down, and I still get some week before anxieties, but they're really nothing, I'm damn near chill about throwing these babies.  

That first one I decided to make cupcakes.  We went the box route, because see aforementioned stressing the fuck out.  I'm fairly certain I made around 150 and I was pleasantly surprised at how quick and easy it was.  But I tried one of the strawberry ones and to me they tasted like chemicals.  I just wasn't into it.  The next year I decided I got this, and was going to do them from scratch.  Just the cake as I had gone through a pretty in depth baking phase while I was pregnant with G and was never able to make a good frosting.  

The cupcakes for the 2nd year were...all right.  They certainly weren't bad, but they weren't awesome either.  For her 3rd party I did scratch as well, but with mothereffin expensive cake flour and many experiments, with similar results.  They were ok.  I think the problem are that 1. they have to be dairy free, and 2. I REFUSE to make strawberry cupcakes from scratch using a BOX OF STRAWBERRY JELLO.  To me it just doesn't make sense.  Although they're probably delicious.  So I end up modifying all the recipes and I'm just not that good at it.  I don't have food chemistry knowledge.  Or luck.  Or common sense it seems.  

This year I was frustrated at my lack of fantastic cupcake skills and I decided to go box.  I did an early scout and discovered there was no dairy free strawberry or vanilla.  Bastards.  Whatevs, I bought a box of white cake mix and added vanilla beans and vanilla to the one, and blended strawberries and strawberry extract to the other.  The general consensus was decent but bland.  So I thought I'd just amp it up for the real deal and we'd be good.  

We go to the store the week before G's party and discover dairy free white cake mix has been discontinued.  For reals.  Like my brain melted right then and G was all chitter chatter non stop and we had to play the quiet game for a minute while I went through my options.  I finally decided to get yellow cake mix and hope for the best.  

95 cupcakes later, and the vanilla were all right, the chocolate were decent, and the strawberries collapsed in on themselves.  They were a disaster.  They were edible, but they were too moist, and miniature, and the exact opposite of fluffy.  Luckily people ate them anyway. 

My sad strawberry cupcakes next to the bit more impressive vanilla ones.

My step sister is a phenomenal cupcake maker.  She makes all these professional blends of flavors and everything is light and fluffy and pipes frosting in perfect swirls on top.  The only problem?  Full of dairy.  But she's promised to help me, and we have a whole year to experiment. 

 I want a for keeps recipe for chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry cupcakes and frostings that are bomb.  That do not use cake flour, or boxes of jello.  I would really like surprise additions too, but certainly that's not required.  Chocolate chips in the chocolate ones are always fun, but what to do in the others?  White chocolate chips would be bomb in the vanilla or strawberry, but they're dairyful.  And I haven't looked it up but non dairy white chocolate chips would probably be super expensive.  I don't know, I'll have to stroll the interwebz about that.  

So if my pintresting food loving readers come across anything that meets the above requirements I would be forever grateful if you passed them my way.  This will be accomplished, oh yes, my mission will be successful.  

*My quote is from Admission, with Tina Fey and Paul Rudd that I thought was super funny.  J wasn't as impressed.  He says he like the crazy blond girl better than the brunette.  I'm pretty sure he meant Amy Pohler and not me.