"I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness."

Holy crap on a cracker, who knew moving from a crib to a big girl bed would be so time consuming?!

It starts with the actual new bed, of course. Some get hand me downs or buy used, we didn't know anyone getting rid of theirs so we're looking to buy new. Enter our first conflict; J is a 'I want quality and I'm willing to pay for it because it will last forever as long as you treat it right.' kinda guy. I'm more of a 'Why the hell do I want my furniture to last forever?! I'll get sick of it eventually, and if by treat it right you mean cover it in 3 layers of padding and make sure it is never touched by human hands then that sounds exactly what I want to do! NO, NOT REALLY. We have a 3 year old child I don't want to yell at every five seconds and.....holy shit did you see how much that COSTS?! We are NOT buying that!!' type of girl. I am cheap. I buy cheap, and I don't care. Call me a spoiled american if you want. Sometimes the shit I buy doesn't last very long and I'm sad. Other times, the $15 particle board tv stand lasts 12 years and is a little dented but still holding up the dvd player like a champ and I don't shit myself if someone touches it because who cares? I don't expect to pass this on to my children. So yeah, issues. Also, J is working non stop, so I'm essentially on my own, and don't forget, we live in the middle of nowhere so all shopping is done online. Drunk at 11pm. Because why not?

I finally find the bed I like, that I do hope will last G a few years, but there's no way I'm paying that much for it, and I'm not real comfortable buying "quality" furniture from some faceless voiceless web site because if shit goes awry in shipping or something I want a human to talk to. I find a local furniture store that sells the company I want to buy the bed from and we are in business!! Sweet! The bed, and dresser, because it's a sweet deal, have been purchased! We are home free right?!

Wrong. You have to start completely over! Her blankets and sheets are crib size, and therefore useless on a twin bed. You need all new bedding, blankets, sheets, comforter. Again, some people go used, and again, I don't know anyone getting rid of, or who has an abundance of twin stuff, so new it is. Not so hard though, find some adorable flannel pink snow flake sheets at target on clearance, Uncle M buys her some Minnie sheets for Christmas and we're good. Bedroom done correct?

Oh no. Of course not. Because now you have to buy a mattress. We could certainly go used here right?! Only if you want me bathing my child in bleach every morning. That's gross. Unless you are one of our best friends ever and I have intimate knowledge of your cootie history, this is not going to happen, I would die. New mattresses run from $100 to $5 billion. Seriously. My 30 pound 3 year old isn't broken and old like I am, so just get the cheapest one and call it good right? Except, I have to make things difficult, such is my way. I go to costco to get the $129 twin mattress, and they're out. Bastards. Because we're in the city, we go to a few mattress places and shop around. Bad idea. I'm with my BiL, MiL and G. We go in, lay down on a mattress and the salesmen come meandering up to have a conversation with me while I'm horizontal. Actually with my BiL, because I don't really exist when he's around no matter how many times we tell them he has nothing to do with this decision, he's just trying to take a quick nap whilst I accomplish things. As I lay on the cardboard and spring filled mattress of discomfort talking about money with strangers, my favoritest things to do ever, I am mostly trying to stay present in the conversation as all I can think about is who has laid here before me? Do they have lice? Do they wash regularly? And then the realization, seeing as G has no crib bars to keep her in, how many nights will I be laying next to her in an effort to put her back to sleep because no you can't sleep with mommy and daddy. I look at the price of the mattress of discomfort, and it's $250. What the fuck?! That's what I wanted to top out at! Not start! I move down the line and the first mattress that won't kill me is $750. Without box springs. This is ridiculous. I call J and he says what's the warranty? I tell him and he's not impressed. I do NOT want to spend $750 on a damn mattress so I'm relieved. Then I remember I can get a memory foam one online with a 20 warranty for that much. I walk out with apologies but confident. Unfortunately we rode around in the very uncomfortable back seat of the truck all day for nothing. Good thing I got In N Out. On wednesday G and I tour the local furniture stores. She is so well behaved, but refuses to lay on any of the mattresses, instead she eyeballs the "climbing bed" while I warn her from my prone position. These mattresses do start at $100, and I am relieved. Apparently it costs more to sleep in the city.

We find one that I can handle laying on, and that costs $250, no tax if I go pick it up in the truck myself. Works perfect for me. It is such a relief all this is over and behind us.

Now, all I have to do is disassemble G's crib, move everything out of G's room, to vacuum and dust, assemble her bed and dresser, move everything else back in and organize it beautifully. With a 3 year old helping. And then convince her to sleep in it every night. Should be a breeze.


*My quote is from Zack and Miri Make a Po.rno which is one of my favorite movies of all time. It is chalk full of hilarious one liners and rants, not to mention Justin Long, for the whole 5 minutes he's in there is FULL of awesome. Oh my god I laugh out loud just thinking of it. There was like 700 other quotes I wanted to use as my title but they are all SO inappropriate I held back. I might not next time. They could be worth it.