I remain angry, but I've remembered something I've always told myself; you have to put forth effort to be happy. You have to look for it, do your best to put it out in the universe in order to find it for yourself. I'm assuming hope and faith in mankind are along that same path. So instead of being disgusted I wasn't provided with the stories to heal my heart by the world this season, it's time I make some of my own. I used to contribute to making this world a better place, actively. It's not that I actively contribute to making the world a worse place now, but I don't have the same levels I used to and it's time to change that. I'm looking to do volunteer work, I've got some feelers out in a couple places, there's an art group therapy I might be able to do some filing or clean up/set up for. I'm going to look into the food bank when I'm healed enough. I do have a few requirements; it has to be friday afternoon, and I have to be able to bring G with me. This is for a few reasons, I don't expect her to be able to help, and she may even hinder, but I want it to be a part of her environment. I want it to just be....expected. We do shit for people just because. I want her to someday be an active part of it. I also genuinely enjoy my time with G, and I feel like having her around will make it a sunnier experience. Even if she makes it harder to achieve whatever task I'm attempting, I feel like in the end, her being there will be worth it. And most selfishly; hell to the no I'm not using childcare on volunteering. With J working his ass off, me being able to do something G-less comes few and far between, and if I'm without her it's going to be because I'm doing something that requires all my concentration. Like coffee with my friends. Or even better; a kickboxing class. OOooh. Or therapy. I should definitely start making some calls about that. So yes; therapy is childcare appropriate, volunteering is not. If anyone has any generic ideas, as I don't live anywhere near any of you, I'd love to hear them. I do wish going to a Ronald McDonald House was possible but they're all too far away from here. Oh Em Gee, or a NICU to hold little babies who'd parents can't be there right then, wow, I would totally do that. Our hospital doesn't even have a nursery. Oh, but G wouldn't be allowed to do that. That one might be childcare appropriate though. I'd do that. Anyway, any ideas would be appreciated.
I am the world's number one vaguebook hater, but unfortunately part of my blogging is that some stories aren't mine to tell, and yet I can't help but use this as a way to send my love into the universe. So forgive my lack of details but the world is about to lose a wonderful man. My heart aches for his children and grandchild and those yet to be born. I wish I had a way to convey this to them more than I already have. So Dear Universe,
Please send my love to those who's hearts are breaking, give them strength, and let them know he will be missed, not just by them.
And that's about enough of my prayer that's not a prayer. I should look into buddhism, I bet that's where I belong. Anyway, I had some other stuff I wanted to talk about, but it's left my brain, and who knows when it will be back. I'll be posting a hair update as soon as I can get on the same page as my sister, who I unfortunately require help from to do it. Someday I'll have a computer that is mine. And who's internet something or other is accepted by blogger therefore allowing me to do what I need to. Someday....
I'll update you tomorrow night if I can, if not I'll have a pretend friend leave a comment here that all went well because for sure I'll go on facebook. ;)
Thank you everyone, for your words and thoughts. I appreciate them all.
*My quote is from the latest Resident Evil. I adore that Michelle Rodriguez was in it, seeing her as a soccer mom was awesome, but really I didn't see much point to this one, and I LOVE me some Resident Evil movies, so that was a bummer. Nonetheless, it was Milla kicking everyone's ass, which really is one of my favorite things in life, so I'm sure I'll watch it again.
My aunt who was Wiccan (the one who is the mother to Blitzen Manx) has become Buddhist. I'll gacve to giveit a little more time to see if it really takes. So far she's been LDS, catholic, Episcopalian, Eckankar (or whatever it's called), and now Buddhist. My dad says as long as she stays away from the LDS Fundies and the Branch Davidians, and doesn't give any money to the Scientologists, he's happy.
ReplyDeleteMy dad has actually followed a similar path, trying every religion on for size. The last one was Buddhism, and while I'm not positive he actively practices it, I do think he's ended his quest. For me, it just seems to make the most sense.
DeleteWhat about making baby hats to donate to NICUs? You can do that and cry and not have to lose alone time or worry about G not being able to come along. If you drive to drop them off once a month, you can get In n Out too. :))
ReplyDeleteHe wasn't worried about waiting for the surgery, he'd have no problem pushing it back if he thought it necessary.
In my humble and unasked for opinion, Buddhism is the way to go if you're looking for something good to practice.
I'm glad you're looking forward.
That is an EXCELLENT idea and I will absolutely look into that.
DeleteAnother idea - lots of people make baby hats for babies born too soon, we got one for Aiden - but not many people make shirts or gowns. The one they put on Aiden was so huge it just emphasized how small he was and it still hurts to see it. I think I would have felt better with a shirt that fit, as silly as that sounds. If I could sew things that small I would. Don't get me wrong, the hats are nice and I love the one I have, but I would have liked a gown or shirt too.
DeleteThat is intriguing, I don't know how to do clothes, maybe I'll look into that.
DeleteI'm with Megan, both on the baby hats and the looking forward part.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about NICU is those babies are fucking scary small and incredibly sick. I couldn't handle it. My gig in there traumatized the shit out of me.
Yeah as soon as any sort of alarm went off I'd be a sobbing mess so it's probably best I not do that.
DeleteI'm late, you're (hopefully) out already, and all groggy and desperately seeking water if you were put under like I was in October, but fast healing, my dear.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking for myself, I gave 2/3 of the top of one foot 2nd degree burns three days before my scheduled surgery *and* had a cold, and they still went through with the deal. Believe it or not, even in hospital I had to dress my own foot wound because apparently the nurses only treat wounds the hospital creates. Whatevs, don't ask, at least it is still paid for socialized, etc. The biggest reason it is weird right now is the wacko right wingie dingies in power who are anti socialized anything.
Whoa. How did I go off track like that. Hopefully your stay is brief, your healing fast, and your volunteer search easy. xoxoxox karen
I had no idea they were so lenient with who they will knock out. I was coughing my guts out and they still didn't cancel it, for which I am very relieved.
DeleteYou know the kind of place that needs volunteers and loves 3 year olds? Nursing homes. They can be depressing as hell, but some of them can also be lovely. My youth group used to go once a month and play bingo and board games with residents.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well with surgery and with getting back some of the goodness you put out into the universe.
That is a wonderful idea as well!! There's one not so far from our town!! Thank you!
DeleteI love the idea of volunteering with G. I would consider doing the same with B if he were a bit older as well. I think it's really important for kids to grow up knowing that the universe doesn't revolve around just them and that others can use a little love as well. Can't wait to hear what you choose to do.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you go into surgery. I recall my own D&C and it's depressing. Not just because it's another loss of hope and a child, but because... that's an area that should be nurturing and sacred. And yet, it's being invaded. Hoping you're feeling well after. Godspeed.
You are very correct, it is very depressing, not how things are supposed to be at all.
DeleteI've always known I wanted to volunteer with, we're just now getting an age I think it's possible. I hope I accomplish it.
Late here... But hoping it all went well and your high as a kite. Hmmm. Nursing homes would love a visit ... That's a good idea she could sing some songs for them.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, I wonder what songs she'd sing. Thank you.
DeleteI hope you are recovering well and keeping nice and high. I hate what you're going through. it just sucks.
ReplyDeletelove the idea of helping out at a nursing home. curious how your 3yo does, as I've been wondering if my daughter is old enough too. she has been really into animals and I'm considering starting with our local animal shelter...
G loves animals too and I was considering dog walking but I wasn't sure they'd let a 3 year old do it for safety reasons. Maybe I'll have to look into that to be sure.
DeleteSometimes I listen to you hard, but this time I am listening to you soft. ~Mary
ReplyDeleteI hope your recovery is going well. I think your climate might be too cold for this right now but when I'm not miserable and sick I volunteer with a community garden. I help out the gardeners that have plots, take care of the garden, and grow food for the food pantry. I love it because I can bring my kids and they can be a big help, gardening is relaxing, and delivering fresh healthy food instead of a box is really rewarding. I have also taken my then 4 year old to deliver meals to shut-ins. That was awesome, they loved having a small child visit.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. My d&c was a shot with my 2nd loss, didn't have the surgery (they thought it might be ectopic). But it really is so depressing. I'd say it didn't really hit me until afterwards. I was fairly okay with it during the process, and then I totally fell apart. So hope you're holding up okay.
ReplyDeleteDon't know anything about volunteering with kids. The knitting for NICU babies sounds amazing, but also isn't getting out & about. Maybe distributing meals. I did that a few times with a local group where I live. It was great
Everyone took my suggestions, damn them. :) You'll both need to be tested for TB if you go to the folks' home. It's still a great idea- you should see the faces light up at the sight of a tiny human.
ReplyDeleteHolding you in my heart.