"Dear Diary: Tonight I'm sneaking off to the abandoned taffy factory to look for treasure. Also, if boys had uteruses, they'd be called duderuses."

 Tips and Tricks for the Toddler to Bed Transition

It's been at least a month since we switched G to her big girl bed, and there's only been one negative incident, that has unfortunately led to our late night pooping sessions.  She had an accident that was a Big Deal and is super nervous about it happening again, which I did not put together until like the 4th night we were hanging on the toilet.  We're doing much better now, but if it's been more than a day since a number 2 I get nervous.  Like tonight.  Hopefully everything is ok tomorrow morning.  So I figured it's been long enough I can help with the future bed switchers of the world.  

1. Give birth to the most immobile unadventurous small child in the universe.  

2. Accidentally buy the Hugest Bed Ever Sold on the Internet.  

3. If you can't find a railing that fits the Hugest Bed Ever Sold on the Internet, get a pool noodle instead.

4. Be extra classy and keep the twin mattress in your living room for a week and a half.

5. Make sure she understands more room doesn't mean more company.

6. Be sure to keep the bedtime routine as close to the same as possible.  

There you have it, the secrets to my success.  Or G's success really.  What?  More details?  Well, if you insist....

1a. G didn't crawl until after she walked, sometime after a year old I believe.  Except for ONE time, she always stayed exactly where I put her even if I had to walk away.  Sincerely.  And that one time gave me a heart attack, turns out she was just under a side table 5 feet away.  She could roll, she just...didn't.  She happily stayed with whatever was around her, especially books.  Her cousin who is the same age climbed out of his crib at 18 months on the regular.  When he visited us for the first time after they had achieved pretty easy mobility, he made it a whole 15 minutes before he started stacking things in front of the gate at the top of our stairs that leads to a cement floor and glass door.  He then started climbing on top of the mountain; he was making a break for it.  We were always very careful when G was younger, but as she got older the gate has been left open a few times.  You know what she does?  Admonishes us very loudly and slams it shut.  I have to convince her to leave it open when I have to make multiple trips for groceries or something.  She goes down with us or not at all.  I'm not complaining in the least, it's just how my girl is, and that's fine.  Especially coupled with the fact we.....

2a. Bought the Hugest Bed EVER Sold on the Internet.  Wow.  Obviously there are measurements, and my expectations are generally wrong, so I try to take that into account, but holy shit I wasn't expecting how big this sucker is.  I LOVE this bed, it's exactly what we wanted, just BIG.  She's been climbing on and off our bed with no help for a year and a half at least.  She HAS to have a rather tall stool to even think about getting up on the bed.  So due to the fact she's unadventurous and immobile, once she's in, she's in.  At least so far.  Big weight off my shoulders as I had nightmares about her up at 2 roaming the house and fixing herself a nightcap or something.  

3a. G was all over her crib, up, down and sideways.  I was really worried about her falling out of her bed while asleep.  I bought a railing, but discovered that since we bought a captain's bed, with drawers on the bottom, the lip that comes up doesn't allow for that.  So I turned to google for speciality railings, and found the pool noodle suggestion.  I didn't have any the first couple of days so I rolled up a blanket nice and tight and put it under her sheet, replacing it when I had purchased the noodle.  So far she hasn't fallen out once.  It does seem to let her know 'here's the end of the bed' and she doesn't move past it.  It is complained about when J took a couple naps with her, but that is his own fault as it's a POOL NOODLE that's easily removable, hello?  

4a. We have total crap couches that my poor broken husband can't stand to relax on.  He'd been working a ton and was exhausted when we bought the mattress a good 10 days before the bed came in.  We could have totally put it in the stupid spare room, but instead he plopped it in the living room front and center.  I put sheets that G had helped pick out the 2nd day and there it stayed.  G was actually sick for most of that week, miserable and feverish, so she spent a lot of time on it, and when J was home they cuddled non stop.  I really do think it helped that it had become a familiar place for her by the time it was time to spend the night on it.  J was disappointed that his lounging area was taken though.  Someday we'll get better couches babe.  

5a. We failed on this front.  I have no idea where she got the idea, but the first night the bed was put up she full on 100% expected me to sleep with her in it.  She sobbed great big crocodile tears and everything, it was beyond heartbreaking, but hell to the no I wasn't starting the first night out like that.  I felt awful though.  

6a. It really helps us that I still rock G to sleep.  I know, I see those looks.  I care Not One Bit.  I absolutely understand other mamas are busy with jobs and other babies and just life in general but I am not.  I absolutely have time to rock my kid for a total of 30 minutes a day (nap and bedtime) so that she is nice and drowsy when I put her down.  People are like 'she needs to be able to put herself to sleep', and actually she does mostly when Granny puts her down, I don't know about J putting her down because he climbed in with her and got a pool noodle up his butt.  But that doesn't matter to me.  I guess being extra cuddled is the price she will have to pay for having a broken hearted mama.  No matter the routine this is kinda a no brainer.  Such a big change requires as little other things to be different to be possible, I just wanted full disclosure that my kid is half asleep when I put her down, we're not a climb in bed and smooch her good night on our way out the door household.  Which is a super fine way to be, there's dishes in the sink and a husband to smooch in most cases.  But my husband is in bed at 7 and I have nothing but time for my baby in a big girl bed.  Speaking of which.....  

Mom.  Get this over with.  I'm a busy kid.

*My quote is from Bob's Burgers.  We watch the first season on dvd on repeat because it's funny as shit, I'm pretty sure G will grow up to be Louise, and they won't sell season 2 for some evil reason even though they're on like season 3 or 4!  What the hell?!  Anyway, we watch the newer ones when we have our weekly playdate and try to make the kids go into the other room because even though we're laughing our asses off, probably G doesn't need any help in this area.  You know, obnoxious and inappropriate.  She has that in spades genetically it seems.