"This place is about to become a sea of sweat, ear-shattering music and puke."

Last week as I was washing dishes I contemplated how very much I wanted to punch my husband. Maybe not in the junk or the throat, but somewhere that would hurt a bit more than say the arm or the leg or ass, which is where I usually punch him. I couldn't figure out what my deal was, he is, I promise you, obnoxious, but that is his normal state of being and I tend to deal with it much better than I was at that moment. I was skipping exercise that day, but I couldn't think it would affect my mood so drastically so soon. I tried to remember if and when I felt like this before and realized I had. Last month, about a week before my period. I checked my period tracker and sure enough; 5 days before expected start date! Traitorous app. You're supposed to be on my side.

G is in love with Katy Perry, and to be honest, in the sea of pop stars she could have done much worse. So in support of this I bought her the Katy Perry movie which has extensive footage of her concerts, that G danced happily to. But it also does include day to day details of that year of her life, which G really couldn't give less of a shit about; "Where's Elmo?" (Katy sings a song with Elmo on youtube, it's one of her favorites.) So she wanders off and I'm for some reason still watching it. One part her sister comes out and gives passes to the 'best' dressed (aka weirdest looking motherfuckers) in the audience so they can come up onstage at a key moment and dance with Katy. Because I was the little girl inexplicably wearing petticoats to elementary school, (I'm 33, they were not in style right then.) I get being the strangest person around and of course I'm crying my eyes out as the teenagers scream and then yell; "I have to go pee!" Damn Katy Perry. She sucked me in. I totally put it on when G wasn't even around. Don't tell anyone ok?

We had our pumpkin picking potluck, it was wonderful, children and their families all on the compound, G was beside herself with happiness at all the people to play with. I was of course heavy in my heart with missing my Littles, I'm guessing that longing is here to stay. I tried to acknowledge it without letting the sadness overwhelm my joy of being surrounded by those that love us, but I could tell Sunday I was still affected by it. Then came today. Baby Loss Remembrance Day and also the day I actually started. I cried a bunch. While making the bed, and cleaning the bathrooms, switching the laundry, just like the old days. I did manage to keep my shit together while vacuuming, so that was an improvement. 10 months since we lost Little M. 22 months since we lost Little T. It's hard still. I generally exercise at 7pm, so I lit a candle as some are doing and kind of sweated out my heartbreak while sending love into the universe. I'm feeling a bit more at peace now.

This is actually my 200th post. I wish I had something super awesomely written, buuuut that probably isn't going to happen unless I start doing guest posts. This blog is a pretty accurate depiction of me. Drinking, swearing, english language butchering, loving, caring, oh so lucky, except when I'm not, Me. I started blogging for myspace in 2005. I actually moved most of those posts over here when I started this blog. I'm proud of them, of who I was and who I've become. I do realize 200 posts in 7 years isn't really that much, about 28 a year apparently. But that doesn't matter, it's 200 posts that could have been never written. Epiphanies not had, comfort not given and received, friendships not forged. I don't want to be big. (I don't think I'd handle mean people very well.) I don't want to write professionally, dear god that would be awful. I am content with what I have and what I'm doing. I would be happy to improve my abilities, but it's not something I worry about.

I was trying to think of my favorite post from the past, one that you guys probably haven't read, and I immediately thought of this one. I hope you'll go read it. Please excuse the lack of paragraphs. Spoiler: The boyfriend didn't come back until after my performance, and the day before I went to my sister's. (Who it turns out lives in a DRY COUNTY which was AWFUL.) I broke up with him for good 2 days after I got back from Texas. Best. Decision. Ever.

Here's where I try to link:
Ladies and Gentlemen

And here's where I copy and paste because we all know that shit is going to fail:
http://searchingforamelioration.blogspot.com/2010/01/ladies-and-gentlemen.html

Thank you guys for being here for me, for encouraging and loving me, I am so so grateful.