So the universe super sucks ass. I knew this. You know, there's starving children abused children babies dying and people who deserve children are infertile. I KNOW this. But in an effort to be able to get out of bed in the morning I think you have to convince yourself that maybe it'll work out. At some point things will be.....right. But it's not right. Even when things are right they're not. There's no karma, there's no one who can fix what needs to be fixed. And so I lose my 4th baby. Out of 5, so I can't rage too hard. I can't curse everyone and everything. How was it so easy to have her and so hard to have another? I'm grateful, please believe that. I'm just bewildered. And to have no answers. No pill to take, surgery to perform. No way to fix this. Prevent it. Nothing to stop my poor sweet babies from leaving before they get to live. Nothing to do but decide. Do I stick to my guns? Do I unload the closet full of baby things and make that room eternally spare? Barely used. Housing our toilet paper from costco. I can never Try To Conceive again I don't think. I can't track my periods and count down the days. Reading into every symptom or non symptom. Sitting there with my ass propped up after getting busy. I hate doing that. So now we have to decide. Prevent or not? Do I leave it up to chance? Secretly hoping but doing nothing to help it? Or go all the way and get various tubes tied. Relegate G to singleton status forever. Stop taking the prenatal pills that have been part of my daily life since 2008. I totally thought October was a wash by the way. It felt wrong and weird the whole cycle. Off. But then, there I was. Late late late.
Damn it all to hell. How can this keep happening to me? To us? Why can't she be a big sister? Why can't I have one more baby? It's not fair. G keeps asking where my happiness is. I tell her it's not her job to find it. It'll come back eventually.
I'm closing comments. I feel your love. I'm leaning on your shoulders. But there's no answers to be had.
