"It's like the chinese symbol for shut the fuck up and dance!"

Sorry everyone, for my silence. This is the first time I've been able to sit at the computer in I don't know how long. We had our trip last week, G very much enjoyed herself, which is the words I'm going to have to use to comfort myself as the trip didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped otherwise. I've come to the conclusion I need to take my darling(s) and run for most of the month of December. I think it'd just be easier all around. So if you have a spare room or know of a cheap but clean motel in your area and are willing to give me laundry privileges what's your plans for December of 2013? Want some visitors? I figure the 4th through the 24th should be good. *eyebrow waggle* A four year old, a crazy person, and potential 5 month old? How could you resist?

The 6th was really really really hard. Like thank goodness for sunglasses I can't believe I chose to be in public today hard. I will do my best to be as close to alone as I can on the 23rd. I ache for my sons so much it's hard to function. I wanted to write on Little M's birthday, but I couldn't even do that. I'm just overwhelmed.

The day after we came back, I made 36 dairy free cream puffs for our cookie exchange on Sunday. It was a bit much after such a long trip, but December weekends fill up fast. Then I spent all of yesterday with my BFF home from Australia. She left today, leaving me heartbroken. I've not been a good long distance friend as of late. I'm not getting down on myself about it, it really couldn't be avoided, I was expending all energies on "getting out of bed" and "not crying all day" so although I wish I could have been better at it, I realize I've been doing the best I can. Having her here meant more to me than I can express. She has always been the one that knows my soul, and it was such a relief to be with her again. She helped me breathe. She assures me it won't be so long before I see her again, so I will remind myself of that often.

My symptoms haven't been too bad. I'm tired, nauseous instead of being hungry. A couple bouts of dizziness, and the underlying hormonal based insanity is definitely there. (To compliment the grief based insanity of course, they go so well together.) My appointment is tomorrow. I'm not doing too well. I'm a big ball of anxiety, convincing myself my boobs aren't swollen enough, I'm not sick or tired enough, I should feel worse than I do. I actually lost like 3 pounds yesterday and I had In N Out for dinner and sat on the couch all day, so what the eff is up with that?! Every trip to the bathroom almost requires a xanax. It looks like I'm taking G to the appointment with me, and it will just be the 2 of us. I worry about getting potential bad news in front of her. I worry about telling her so soon, I'd rather wait until 20 weeksish. I'm bringing her books and leap pad, hoping she'll be her normal distracted 3 year old self, but I'm doubtful as I'm sure she'll pick up on the stress radiating from my core and have her antenna up and searching. If all goes well we will go shopping afterwards, have an afternoon just the 2 of us. If it doesn't I will come home and go to bed I assume. *shrug*

The exact same realization that brought me comfort before is doing the opposite now; last chance echos through my brain.

I will update tomorrow after my appointment come hell or high water, I promise. If it goes well I have my appointment to get my hair chopped off on Thursday. I'm still really excited about that, I can't wait to have short hair again. I'll do my best to post pictures from that as well. It'd be awesome if I figure out mobile blogging.

Thank you for all the support and love you have sent me. I appreciate it more than I can express.

*My quote comes from The Watch, a newer movie with Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller. I thought it was SUPER bizarre-o. Like just out of control weird, but my husband was laughing so hard I had to remind him 20 times our kid was sleeping down the hall. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's seen in months. We usually have pretty similar taste in movies, so we'll blame my bewilderment on my shitty ass mood. The quote is hella funny though.