"Koreans have killed his mother and now his tree. Christmas is ruined."

It is wicked hard for me to get up in the morning. I spend too much of it internally arguing, convincing myself I do not want to spend the day in bed, languishing away, with my only concern being where to find the next cool spot on the pillow. Eventually I unass myself from the depths of the sheets and blankets. As soon as my feet hit the ground I steamroll my way through the day. Getting the house back into shape, the laundry closer to completition. Plans for every afternoon and most mornings as well. Constantly on the go, out about, busy. Busy.

Once the holidays are over my reasons for the hustle and bustle will sail out the door with them. What will I do then? What will I do once the house is spotless, the tree is put away and there's no playdate to be had? When my brain has time to think.

I'm having trouble with motivation. To get up. Take vitamins. Go above and beyond the bare minimum for eating. What is the point? I eyeball my morning smoothie and wonder; are the blueberries, banana and strawberries really worth the time and effort? Or would sliding by with a glass of oj be just fine. Are those extra nutrients all that important really? It's not like I'm going to go back to mountain dew and doughnuts for breakfast. I don't want to feel like shit. I just wonder how much these little things are really helping me.

On sunday we took G to see Santa. She did very well, I was very proud of her, seeing as how nervous she was. And then stopped by J's very good friend's house to meet his new daughter. Their latest "surprise". I do not begrudge them their baby, they are wonderful parents. And meeting her wasn't all that hard. I waved to the sleeping child on the couch. Shopping for her however, buying a christmas present for the baby born on the same day I found out mine didn't have a heartbeat proved to be very challenging.

I'm angry. I'm jealous. I'm bitter. I'm heartbroken. I am without hope. You wouldn't know that to look at me I don't think. Storytime, Santa, shopping, Congratulations! She's beautiful! I smile, I play, I read, I talk, I sew, I wrap packages, I rock my daughter to sleep. Thank goodness for that rocking chair. I am so grateful for that piece of furniture. Later on, I cry. I cry for all the babies lost everywhere. And for mine.

Tattoos and running shoes. These are what will keep me going after the holidays. They'll get me up in the morning. Eye on the prize.

*My quote is from A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas, which quite honestly has been one of the bright spots of this past week. I don't think I can convey to you how much I want to marry Neil Patrick Harris. Not if he was straight, just as he is. I love him. I promise.