Friday, December 23, 2011

Birthday

This is a hard letter to write. Not because it’s to the baby I lost, but because I don’t want it to be only of my sorrows and regrets, I want to celebrate him, even if his heart beat for such a short time. But I am currently full of sorrow and regrets, so I assume this letter will be short. My sweet Little T, One year ago today your body left mine. My pregnancy with you will be the one to compare all others with; I have never been so sick and so exhausted in my life. But I learned what to eat and how to nap, oh yes, definitely how to nap. I passed out daily. I am so thankful for the chance. T he chance to dream, to have thoughts of you and G playing, of completing our family with you. I am thankful for the place you opened in my heart to let in all the mamas who have lost their babies. And oh my goodness their babies are there too. I am thankful for finding my writing voice again. I’d lost it after having G, and I was worried it wouldn’t return. I am thankful that I know this dark sadness because I know to be grateful for the utter happiness I have as well. I am thankful for the time we spent together, for the pictures in my head of how happy you might be floating in my belly while I rocked G to sleep. I am thankful for you. I do miss you. Happy birthday my first baby boy. I love you so much. Love, Mama
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5 comments:

  1. LucidLotusDecember 23, 2011 at 4:11 PM

    Thank you for sharing that with us, Amelia, and for always being so real with your thoughts and emotions here in this space.
    I'm sure that T could feel the love coming from you as I can feel it all the way over here.

    ReplyDelete
  2. B. Wilson @ Windy {City} WilsonsDecember 23, 2011 at 6:33 PM

    Precious T, it's your birthday. Wishing you were here with your momma. Hope you know how much you are loved and wanted... even now.

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  3. BrookeDecember 24, 2011 at 1:23 PM

    Remembering your sweet boy T, and wishing still for everything he could have been.

    ReplyDelete
  4. karenDecember 27, 2011 at 3:22 PM

    That is a beautiful letter, Amelia, especially this:

    "I am thankful that I know this dark sadness because I know to be grateful for the utter happiness I have as well."

    Thank you for those words. I know what they mean but I've never put the feeling into words, even in my head. Your sharing has embedded them into my heart.

    Sending warmth from here to you to help melt away the bitterness you must feel right now too.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AlexisARDecember 30, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    Beldated Happy Birthday, Baby.

    ReplyDelete

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