I'm here.

I am sorry for my extended silence. My internet was out all last week and posting from my phone is beyond my abilities. I have much to say, not sure if I’ll fit it all into one, but let’s begin anyway. As I wrote before, Monday of last week I saw my regular ob and decided we wanted to do an induction, he wasn’t comfortable handling my case and said he would inform the specialist I’d been seeing in an attempt to get a diagnosis on my son. On Wednesday I received a call from a 3rd office, Pregnancy something or other, to make an appointment, after a few questions I realized it was for a termination. Technically that is what we were doing; ending the pregnancy, but termination also describes a certain route taken in order to get that result. They wanted me to make 2 appointments, the 1st for counseling and to be given a medication to soften the cervix, and another medication to stop the baby’s heart, and the 2nd to be the next to be the next day, to be put under general anesthesia, and have the pregnancy terminated. I asked if there were any other options, that this wasn’t what I had wanted to do. The lady put me on hold, talked to someone and said she didn’t think I had any other options due to how far along I was. At her encouragement, I made the appointments for the next week, got off the phone and cried hysterically for awhile. I talked to J, wailing this just wasn’t what I had pictured in my head. (Not that that really seems to matter anymore in my life, as the 2 rarely seem to match anyway.) He said I should call specialist dr as she was the one who had given induction and comfort care as an option. I thought about it the rest of the day, because I’m the girl who hates to cause problems, who just wants to make things as easy as I could for others, and it’s very hard for me to assert myself, especially in matters that are important. I finally called the next day. The woman who had the information on what our options were, and who is the liaison between the office and the hospital was on vacation, and would be back Monday, the 5th. We made an appointment. Luckily our appointments at the other office wasn’t until Tuesday and Wednesday. I thought about it obsessively over the weekend, and decided that I am so awesome at pretending everything is just fine, that if for some reason our case didn’t allow for induction and comfort care, I’d just continue the pregnancy, I just wasn’t comfortable with the other. I really wanted to meet my son. Monday morning. She apologized for the mix up, there was a misunderstanding due to the use of the word termination, and if she hadn’t been on vacation, it was something that could have been remedied over the phone. Knowing that we had to drive quite a bit, she asked if we were ready to go to the hospital right then. I had not packed any bags, and I needed to buy food for G, so I stammered and said we weren’t quite ready to go just then. She still had to set things up with the hospital and talk to the specialist dr, so she said she’d be in touch, it would for sure be this week. We did Christmas shopping, I wore my sunglasses for much of the time to hide stray tears, because life continues, and G deserves a sheep shaped pillow stuffed with a very soft blanket, and a set of plastic craftsmen tools so she’ll stop trying to steal her dad’s and destroying whatever she’s “fixing” in the process. We get a call from the liaison at about 2:30 asking if we could come in right then. Good lawd. Told her we hadn’t even been home, we couldn’t be there until about 6 at the earliest; she calls back and says that’s fine. We rush through grocery shopping for G, go home, try to cuddle her, which failed because she just kept yelling OUTSIDE. She wanted to go play. She went outside to play with her Granny, I packed a bag for us, attempted again to cuddle her, and we left. Stopped at burger king on the way there, which will never happen again as it was absolutely awful. No big loss there. We arrived at the hospital at 6pm, already exhausted. I have to stop for now; I promise I’ll post tomorrow.