"I love this 'Internet'. It's part fantasy, part community, and you get to pay your bills naked."

Yesterday I awoke, slipped some LSD into my morning smoothie and thought it would be a grand idea to take G bra shopping with me. Just kidding. No LSD, and I always knew it was a shit idea, it's just I needed bras so there you go. I had hopes the steps I was planning to take would appease the God of Three Year Old Tantrums, but nay, I was mistaken with that as well. I should have brought more books. I did bring snacks and her leap pad, I'm normally against giving my kid electronics while we shop. While she can be trying at times, I generally prefer the lessons learned and interactions had over my kid being catatonic. I don't like shopping alone, so what's the point of bringing her if that's how she is? I was willing to make an exception because bra shopping is no normal excursion. Last time I even attempted it all people within 100 feel were treated to a 2 year old narrative about what exactly me and my boobs were doing blow by blow as it happened. "You taking off you shirt mama? You take off you bra? Those you boobs? Why you boobs out mama?" It was....less than fun. It's also time consuming, I mean, you can't just pick these things willy nilly, when you're wearing something for so long that has such potential for being extremely uncomfortable you have to be sure.

Bra shopping. My least favorite thing to shop for I think. I haven't particularly liked my breasts since my mid 20s, so standing in front of a 3 way mirror looking at them ensconced in various coverings is not fun for me. I've been wearing the 34 D bras I bought at target when I was part way through my pregnancy with G. They are way too big. But all the nursing bras I own are bigger, so yeah. The bras I used before that were done by the time I bought my current ones so I've just been sucking it up. But I had a little money, the white one is tearing down the front middle portion, and probably it's time my breasts get reined in as opposed to the free floating within the shells of these bras that they've been doing.

I can hear the advice; just go without! And let me tell you that is not happening. I wear a sports bra to bed, and 2 to exercise. When your breasts go from A to F and then shrink back down again? It does not do attractive things to them. The 2 places I got stretch marks from pregnancy; directly over my belly button and my breasts. All over, top, bottom, sides, stretch marks galore. I don't regret a one of them of course, they were all well worth it, but it doesn't make for a pleasant going braless experience.

Just picking out the bras was making me angry. Do you know how hard it is to find goddamn bras in an A or B that don't have entire bedsets stuffed into them?! What the fuck. I have no problem with anyone else jacking their boobs up to their chin, I however am just not into it. I do not want bras claiming to increase my bust by 2 cup sizes! I'm FINE with my breasts the size they are, really I am. Would I get a boob job if offered? Yes. Lift these babies up. But I do not want bras with so much padding in them they could possibly stop a bullet for me. For girls with smaller chests, apparently this is a rare request because it was a bitch finding unpadded bras. I do want lining, lets not get inappropriate in the winter, but just a bit is fine, jerks.

Turns out, I'm a 34 B, considering I absolutely thought I was a 34 A, I'm giving myself a boob high five. If they were any bigger I'd be screwed because 34 C kinda doesn't exist. The 34 D's I'd been wearing were a pretty rare find. Because I don't want a push up bra, and they are what is considered smaller, I was relegated to the teen section. You guys. My bras have bows on them. I'm guessing I should be happy they had colors besides the neon green with purple polka dots, but I can't tell you the last time I had a damn bow on my bra. I might have to remove them.

I did finally find appropriate sized non padded non $30 bras. ($30 for a size B bra?! Are you kidding me?! I am not paying that much.) I even got one of those convertible bras that you can make into a halter so I can wear all the pretty dresses J bought me on our cruises. So I consider the day a success. A very long exhausting day of perpetually whispered threats to my child, (we had to grocery shop as well, so we got home pretty late.) but hopefully one that doesn't have to be repeated for quite awhile.

A friendly warning, the first person to ask me if I've lost weight, forcing me to respond, no I just finally bought bras that fit, is getting junk punched. If not in real life then in the very least repeatedly in my brain.