"I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?"

One day at the group home a little girl slammed her hand in the sliding mini van door. I was just far enough away I couldn't stop her in time. I watched as the door closed and I started running toward her as her face completely shut down and became smooth and blank. This is a generalization I realize, some people react this way without being abused, but in the case of this child I'm pretty confident it applies; kids don't react that way to pain unless it's been taught. Experience, whatever happened after they yelled turned off the hollering center in the brain. I had to open the door to get her hand out, and she stood there. I led her in the house, put it in ice and watched as she slowly started coming back to us. For about an hour all she would say was "It's fine." No matter the question. I put ice on her hand, bent the fingers to make sure it wasn't broken, waited until she was talking again. I then went upstairs, took a cigarette break to tell my boss about it and cried my eyes out.

I have really bad case of the Not Fairs currently. I'm feeling whiny, foot stompy and fist shaky. I want to rage against the universe, Put me in charge! I'll do it better!!

I worked in the Not Fair Industry for 10 years. I'm well aware things don't go even close to how they should. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. The reverse is true as well, we are none of us exempt.

I was talking to a friend about her brother, about how often CPS intervenes because he can't be bothered to take his children to school in the morning. About how far behind his little girl is due to all the school missed and the lack of an adult making sure work is completed. And I'm just so overcome with IT'S NOT FAIR.

I really dislike this feeling, it's non productive. It makes me feel small and childish. It is not putting light and love into the universe. Just bitterness and hatred.

I don't have a plan to deal with this, hopefully it fades as time passes. I'm sure it will come back with a vengeance should pregnancy happen. Looking forward to that. For now I will more actively look for beauty and happiness I suppose.

I'm addicted to How It's Made on Youtube right now, which is funny because when we had cable I would always bitch and moan when J made me watch it. "I don't care how a turbocharger is made! I don't even know what that is!" fell upon deaf ears and now here I am looking it up on my own. It's also funny because my favorite is how decorative candles are made. I don't even like these things. Space fillers, dust collectors. But I really like watching how it gets made. Weird.