Friday, November 25, 2011
Black Friday
Please believe I am not writing about shopping. Or doing any shopping for that matter. It sounded accurate. I feel like I’m in a Rolling Stones video; “I want them painted black..”
I’ve always had the fantastic ability to not let bad shit get me too down. When I was a weird little kid wearing petticoats to school because I really wanted to be Laura Ingalls and the other kids kinda stayed away from me? Read books in the library during recess. Crap home life? Read books in my room. 10 year relationship with an idiot I liked maybe 2 years total? Throw in a low paying but very fulfilling job and ballet class and I’m golden. I had a hard time the first few weeks living on my very own, but I got right over it. Post partum/breast feeding hormones did a number on me, and that was hard. Losing Little T….I did the best I could. I got up every morning, I smiled and played, I cried putting G to sleep and at night, but I lived life.
That’s what I’m doing right now. I’m capable of acting normal when I’m around other people. I spend too much time trolling the internet on my phone as a distraction, in order to not encourage any kind of meaningful conversation, which is bad, but whatever. When it’s just me and G I’m still disconnecting, which I HATE. I don’t like not being %100 there for her, but if we’re going to be honest I’ve not been at my best this entire year. I’m most certainly not at my worst, but I could be doing better, which eats at me. We unpacked our Christmas stuff today. I unwrapped ornaments that I had last seen just at the beginning of my journey of sorrow, and here I am again.
When I’m alone I am without defenses. The weight of this crushing me. I cry, I worry, I over think. I’m going to bed later and later, which is lame, you’d think I’d welcome the respite. But my brain doesn’t want to allow it. I need a new mantra but I can’t come up with one, so I count to 12 repeatedly. It’s not working.
He’s still here. I’m really really struggling with the decision I have to make. The idea of spending the next 19 weeks carrying a baby that will never come home with me makes me want to go to bed and not get up. I cannot wrap my brain around it. Making the choice to give birth to him instead of waiting till one of our bodies decides it’s time….Terrifies me. I’m so fucking scared to have this baby. Not the labor, there’s drugs if needed, but after. Holding him, letting him go. Pictures? Cremation? Autopsy? Judgment from others, shit, from myself. How would I come to terms with the choice I made? I’m fucking lost.
Coming home. I think I’m going to have to see a therapist this time. I don’t know I can get through this without it, but it sucks hardcore to have to find a therapist when you are in the throes of needing one. Plus we’re poor, so who knows how that will work. It will require effort on my part, which will be ever so easy for me to do.
I just can’t believe this is happening.
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I (obviously) don't know what kind of insurance your husband has, but lots of employers have an Employee Assistance Program which covers spouses, too. It gives you a set amount of free therapy sessions. Usually somewhere between 2-8. If you guys decide you need more after that, you just switch over to using your regular insurance benefits. It's something he'd have to ask HR about--it goes through them not your regular insurance company. Sorry if you already know this or if your situation doesn't allow for this. I just know someone reminded me of this about six months ago when we were broke as shit and I was going insane. Saved my life a little.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you.
Maybe your Dr. can suggest a therapist to see before you make a decision. Really, both choices suck, and I would hope no one judges you whichever way you decide. Anyone who does, well, that's their problem. As for you judging yourself? Well, you're just going to forgive yourself before you decide, cuz none of this is your fault, nothing you can do or could have done will change the need to choose. I wish you didn't have to, but I hope even more that you feel confident that whatever you choose to do is the best (and I'm using that term *very* loosely) choice for you and your mental health. You'll have to decide which way will cost you less emotionally in the end. I can't imagine what you're going through, and I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis is your sister. :-) I'm glad that you have finally decided to see a therapist. Seeing a therapist saved my life, Amelia. She helped me find the tools I need to cope with being bi-polar and to deal with the emotional roller-coaster that is my life.
ReplyDeleteI love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU. Whatever decision you make, I will back you up, 1,000,000%. If you make it to full term, I swear on my life I will do everything in my power to physically BE THERE with you and hold your hand. If not, I will do everything in my power to get my ass up there as soon as humanly possible to physically be there for you then too. Whatever you decide, I will love you. Nothing can or will ever change that. Maybe that should be your mantra: Whatever you decide, I will love you. Say it to yourself and to him. And most importantly, BELIEVE IT. I love you.
The state of CA may be another option to look at. There is free or reduced cost health care (both physical and mental) available, and some places will do a sliding scale payment schedule or fees. It all depends where you go. Are you religious? Do you belong to a church at all? Pastors and preachers are trained to be counselors as well. They may not be able to give you prescription medicine to help you out, but they will at least talk to you and help you try to heal.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your sister, your new mantra should be "I love you and I accept you. No matter what" - both to yourself and the baby. It may help your journey towards healing. I can't even begin to imagine what you are having to go through right now, and I hope you are able to find the help you need to recover physically, spiritually and mentally from this devastating loss.
I know no matter what happens in the next few months it will not be easy, but realize you have an amazing family and a solid group of friends, and no matter what happens, they will always be there for you.
Online I often feel things can so easily be misinterpreted...& I also cannot think of anything to say that will...well, really matter.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you. I care. I wish I could help you. ~Mary
I think that one of the things in watching you go through this is knowing you have to make a choice. With Andrew, we didn't really have a choice to make in seeing him/birthing him/holding him. It all happened so fast and in many ways, I wish it would for you as well. It's never going to be acceptable or normal. It will still suck no matter what. But the choices are a real bitch.
ReplyDeleteI thought about the same choice when considering ttc again. WHAT IF I had to make the choice to induce or not? I hate this choice for you and unfortunately, it's your choice and so personal. It's also one you can't take back either way. Induce early and regret time not spent with the baby? Induce later and live with potential increased difficulty of getting to know this baby even more?!
It's all very challenging and I'm SO sorry. Why some people don't even experience something so much as a miscarriage and have healthy children while we suffer and have to make such unfair choices (terminate? induce? photos? therapists? cremation? burial? service? not?)... not freaking fair.
:(
My thoughts are with you and whatever positive energy I can send your way too. I just don't know how I can help you or help alleviate some of this pain, it's impossible. But I just want you to know that we're here, listening and hoping for you and your heart.
ReplyDelete