Update

Went to the doctor yesterday for the spotting, which has gotten worse. He was very unconcerned about the spotting, as it turns out my amniotic fluid is low, another indication there is something to the abnormal quad screening test results. *beats head on keyboard* Came home, cried, and watched a very funny movie. The specialist called, we have an appointment on Wed. If anything this made me more scared because I received more details about what will happen there. We will have genetic counseling, to discuss the meaning of the test results I suppose, and to prepare us for what is to come. I don't know really, probably I should google it. Then we will have the in depth ultra sound, then meet with (??) a person that knows what's going on, and decide whether or not we want to have an amnio, which can be done at that time too. Holy shit. We live far away from this office, and I know they're squeezing us in, so there's no can we think about this and come back later. We're going to have to make a decision based on the information provided to us then and there about whether or not we want one done. I'm not a good off the cuff decision maker, I'm more likely to just do whatever they want, because, why the fuck not? Usually the outcome will only affect me, so what's the big deal? This time however, it affects my unborn baby so obviously the decision is more important. J is exactly the opposite, he'll be more likely to say eff the doctors we don't want that done. It's going to be an interesting conversation if it comes to that. I'm still hoping it's a choice we don't have to make because everything shows up hunky dory on the ultra sound. I really wanted to ask the doctor if there was a chance everything could be just fine despite all these problems, but he had his serious face on, and I knew he'd be honest, so I kept my mouth shut because honestly? I'm not sure I could take the answer if it wasn't the one I'm hoping for. I'm very (inappropriately at times) candid here. I will tell all to everyone, but in real life that is not the case in the least. Getting information from me is like pulling teeth. For this pregnancy I consciously chose to not lie, but not offer up any information. And it was hard for me to allow that much. If asked directly I will tell you what's going on. But it's generally an uncomfortable conversation, and not repeated. I very much dislike being emotional, or acknowlege such things exist within me in front of most people. Family specifically. I'm more likely to be willing to share, and be emotionally honest around friends. And as you can tell, will give you intimate details of my life so long as I can type it instead of speak it. I don't know how to remedy this, and it's not fair to my in laws, as they aren't the ones that somehow effed me up. I guess I don't have as much sympathy for my family, because, you know, it's all their fault and junk. Which it isn't, and it's not fair for me to take that stance either, but I'm not in therapy to work on that currently so I doubt it's something that will be taken care of anytime soon. Unfortunately, my issues are robbing me of support I could probably use right now. I've told 2 in real life friends about what's going on, one of them said she had low amniotic fluid problems, her baby is fine, and the other said her sister's 2 kids both had abnormal quad screening test results and they're fine as well. It's like crumbs of xanax in the panic attack that is my life. My cousin has also had some experience in the quad screening abnormal test results area, and it coming over for dinner on Sunday. So I'm looking forward to picking her brain, and hopefully coming away with some more peace of mind. Otherwise I'm just repeating my mantra, dreading going to the bathroom, poking my stomach in an attempt to feel the baby move, and eating way too much Halloween candy. Thank you everyone for your stories, and your comforting thoughts and wishes, I appreciate them more then I could ever convey. Thank you so much.