"This may sound like gibberish to you, but I think I'm in a tragedy."

Had our doctor’s appointment yesterday. She was reading through the reports, to make sure we were all on the same page when she came to the part about statistics for future pregnancies. It said that because of our complication free pregnancy with G that ended up with a live baby coming home (shocking concept) odds are still in our favor of being able to do it again. She reads that part out loud with her eyebrows all raised in surprise, and I’m like look sista, don’t point that surprise face this way, you’re preaching to the choir here, it shocked the hell out of me too. I keep expecting to get pulled over by the baby police or something. “I’m sorry ma’am, your uterus didn’t pass SMOG, you are going to need to cease and desist all actives until the problem is remedied.” “Look officer, I take it in for regular tune ups, you would not believe how much time they spend under the hood. They inspect everything extensively and tell me everything is fine, send me on my merry way, so I take it on a long trip and on my way home I end up stranded on the side of the road in the middle of the desert somewhere in Nevada crying my eyes out and out of range of my cell service.” “That’s really none of my concern.” And he’d rip off the ticket and wave in the tow truck. *beepbeepbeep* *sigh* There was a student doctor at the office yesterday for our appointment. They have them often, I wonder if we’re the rural stop on their required rounds. Apparently the primary goal of my long road of attempting to procreate is to cry in front of as many strangers as humanly possible, so it’s nice that they are accommodating me. I was wondering about the pre appointment run down though. Did she sit down with the student, open my file and say; “Ooooh, this is going to suck. It will aid you in the ever important skill of handing the sobbing woman tissues while discussing the couple’s crushed dreams though, so there’s that.” We’ve decided to induce. In light of the complications we had with the placenta last time, accreta http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placenta_accreta has been brought up enough times that I’m sufficiently worried. Also, I don’t think I’d ever leave the house as I’m already terrified a stranger or acquaintance will bring up my swelling belly and I’ll have no idea what to say so I’ll wing it and it would not be pretty. We’ll have to go to the “big city” to do it due to our high riskiness, which I would prefer anyway. Hopefully a bigger hospital would be better equipped to handle our situation and I can avoid being told by a nurse taking my blood that I “don’t even look big enough to be having a baby! Congratulations!” and listening to the hours old baby in the room next to me cry throughout the night. Neither of which made me angry, they did the best they could, I’d just like to not ever have them happen again if possible. I look at G, who she is and who she’s becoming, and the strength of my desire to raise another is so tangible I feel I should be able to conjure him out of thin air. But that is not the way of the world. I’m trying really hard not to be bitter, and it doesn’t seem to be working. We have a healthy, loving, stable, wonderful home with plenty of room to grow and play, surrounded by family, and the overwhelming need to add just one more member in order to complete it. As I go through out my day, thoughts of how unfair the world really is push their way into my head. Anger won’t do me any good, there’s no one to be mad at, but it keeps rearing its ugly head anyway. I’m doing all right for now. When the office calls to make the appointment I’ll spend that day crying, and then I’ll be fine until we have that appointment, which I will spend crying. Rinse and repeat for the next appointment, except for afterwards of course. I’m looking into therapy; I’ve got a couple phone calls in to getting information on how to go about it, so hopefully I’ll be capable of taking the next steps instead of giving up and dropping the ball. Your support and kind words have been priceless, you have my eternal gratitude, thank you so much.