Yesterday's appointment.

The baby is still alive, but things are not looking good. I should have 6 to 8cm of fluid for baby to swim around in, and there's barely 1. In pockets here and there. To quote the doctor; "it is not sufficient to sustain life". So many directions to go. My brain is unable to contain itself today. I feel like the snitch from Harry Potter. I want to write it all out, in an attempt to see what I am thinking, I'm a visual person. So that's why I'm not feeling him kick and I once did. There's not room anymore. He's squooshed. The doctor reassures me he's not in any pain, which I try to let comfort me, but I can't help but think, how the hell does she know? Let's do a timeline. 1st trimester blood test: comes back fine, all levels normal Oct. 27 2nd trimester blood test taken: very elevated levels in the proteins regarding down syndrome and spinal bifida/neuro tube defects. Lower than normal levels in a protein I can't remember what it was for. Because the levels are so high, and it's both, could be a potential "stubborn placenta". Yeah, I have no clue either. Also levels could be affected by the fact that.... Oct. 30: I start spotting. I don't know why that could affect the levels, it's just what they told me. Nov. 2: I receive results on test Nov. 3: I go in because of spotting, and discover amniotic fluid is low. Note I wrote "low" and not completely fucking missing. Nov. 9: Amniotic fluid is completely fucking missing. Thorough high definition ultra sound was given yesterday and here is what we know: Baby is small, measuring 17 weeks. Possible heart defect, if there is one it is very small. Apparently murmers are the most common birth defect, but in the case of kids with down syndrome it's upped to %50 of cases. So possible marker for downs. Shortened bones, in the arms and legs, also a marker for downs. Intestines show up same density as bone; bright white, marker for downs, but could also be because of the spotting. If baby ingested blood the intestines show up white as well. Kidneys look to be working fine. This is important because if they weren't, it would be why there's no fluid. All intake and no output. No evidence of spinal bifida. No cleft palate or lip, brain is all there. His heart is bigger then his lungs, which is not good, the heart and each lung should be about the same size. This may be due to the compression, but it may just be that shit is wrong. Theories: 1. Something wrong chromosomally with the baby, my water broke and has been leaking out for eventual miscarriage as my body's way of taking care of it. 2. Something being wrong with the baby is a separate issue. Spotting weakened the sac, so eventually it broke and has been leaking out. But here we go into the the chicken and the egg issue, what started the spotting? Because of above? If not was there some other issue we don't know about? 3. My husband has morphed into Pollyanna when I wasn't looking, and has decided the baby doesn't have anything wrong with it, and that my water has just been leaking out so we need to try our best to replenish it. I just blinked at him when he told me this, because what else is there to do? We did decide to get an amnio done, because there are chromosome issues that are fatal no matter what is done to save the baby. Seeing as we live far away from a hospital with a nicu, and specialists, we need to have a better understanding of what we're dealing with, what efforts can be made. But, there wasn't even enough fluid for that to be done, so they took a sample of placenta. I know, it sounds invasive, and like I'm risking the pregnancy, but like I said before, it's currently insufficient to sustain life in there, so we decided to try and get more information. I will not be aborting this baby. I do not judge nor care if you have or would depending on the information given, but that is not the direction I'm going. I will give birth to this baby. We will hold it and love it, whether it's next week or in 20 weeks. Viability is considered 26 weeks with a normal baby, but due to the small size, and distressed atmosphere, it is unlikely that is viability in this case. We'd need to go longer. But none of that matters if I can't get some fluid in there. I feel like I'm doing ok right now. When we lost baby T, I felt out of bodyish for quite awhile. Like I was floating away on my sorrow. I don't feel like that right now. I'm so fucking sad, but it's a here and now sad. He's still alive, we're doing the best we can, I'm happy when I can feel him kick, and I'm not deluding myself. I know the chances are high that we will lose him, but at least I know ahead of time instead of going into the doctor just before doing some christmas shopping and finding out my baby is dead. You know? I'm not saying I'm going to handle it any better if we do lose him, I'm just saying I'm appreciating him while he's here. Although I do have to regularly fight the urge to curl up on the bed in the spare bedroom and cry. Because when the fuck will that be a nursery? Thank you guys for being there and sending good thoughts and prayers.