"Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom."

Nurse: So you think there’s some problem with her rec.tum?
Me: I’m not positive what the problem is, she’s complained about both areas recently, but her bottom more often.
Nurse: What did she say?
Me: Well. She said; “I have a butterfly in my booty.”
Nurse: *eyebrow raise* She called it booty?
Me: *FUCK. I’m so fucked. It’s going to get so much worse than this.* Um. Yes?
…………
Dr: Is she constipated?
Me: She wasn’t when this all began, but for some reason she is now.
Dr: And what was the problem with her va.gina?
Me: She said it was bothering her while I carried her on my hip.
Dr: What did she say?
Me: I don’t want to tell you because my husband calls it abnormal names.
Dr: I just need to know what she said.
Me: *FUCK!* She said; “Ow. My junk hurts.”
Dr: *blink* She called it junk? That’s usually used for male….
Me: My husband uses it universally…in reference to all….you know….
Dr: *looks down at the paper* I’m just going to write; ‘indicated vagi.nal discomfort.’
Me: Yeah. Thanks.


In my husband’s defense I call her va.gina a crotch. So I’m sure that conversation wouldn’t have gone much better had she chosen to use that word.

I had every intention of calling it vagina. That’s what it is right? I don’t have a problem saying it! Here’s the deal though, I don’t call mine a vagina. I don’t really call it anything now that I think of it. Vag most often probably. Which if there’s a scale of awful shit for your two year old to call her va.gina I think vag is higher up than junk or crotch in inappropriateness. My friend calls it a cookie. I don’t understand how cookie is acceptable and junk causes me to die of shame at the doctor’s office.

Dear god I hope it’s not some marker for possible sexual abuse.

She is so getting kicked out of kindergarten.