"Bart! With $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things....like love!!"

While I was treadmilling last night G and J played with the chalkboard for awhile. I got right into the shower instead of going over and see what they’d drawn after I was done working up a sweat and then we did bedtime routine; shower or bath for G then off to mommy and daddy’s bed for story/Simpson time. Don’t judge us. We have 6 seasons on DVD and I’m sick of kid’s movies. Also she pronounces Marge Marje, calls Bart Bark and says things like; “Homer is so siwwy.” And “Wook at Maggie talking!” and “Wisa is angry. She angry at me mama? No, she angry at Bark.” Could you deny this child The Simpsons? I think not. Anyway, this morning as soon as we got up G went over to the board first thing and started discussing the picture. I walked over and saw this;

You know how you’re out with a kid and you see a great big huge bug (or whatever your phobia is) that you know is absolutely not harmful or dangerous but dear god you want to run away screaming, but you don’t want to get your crazy on the kid next to you because it’s contagious and they’re going to have plenty of other phobias, you don’t need to get them started on this one? So you just stand there, vibrating and doing everything in your power to pretend like nothing is wrong? That’s what I was doing. I didn’t want to run away screaming or anything, I was just vibrating, with emotion you know? I was surprised and confused and curious and sad and I don’t even know what.

So G is telling me about the picture, there’s mommy and daddy, and G and who’s that? She’s points to a stick figure on the left side, opposite the babies, that hadn’t gotten erased very well. We talk about that for a minute and she repeats who is who for everyone except the babies. J comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. He says; “She told me to draw mommy, daddy, G and the other babies. So I did.” I want to ask her about the other babies. Or him, did they talk about it? But I just can’t so I say something along the lines of; Interesting. And walk away. I’m promising myself right now to ask him about it tonight.

I don’t talk to her about her brothers. I don’t want to hide them from her, or make it a forbidden topic, I hope. But it’s the one thing that I have immediate can’t do anything about it tears over. I am incapable of talking about them without crying. I want her to know that everyone has feelings, mommies and daddies included, but I don’t want her to ever think it’s her job to comfort or cheer me up. She does both, just by existing of course, and a little here and there, is fine, she is going to have to learn sympathy and empathy for others. But I don’t want her to feel like my sadness or happiness has anything to do with her, that she needs to do XXX to make mommy better. I don’t want her to feel like she has to take care of me, or shield me or protect me from world, that’s MY job. So I do my best not to cry too much in front of her. And unfortunately, that means not bringing them up. If she brings them up I will absolutely do my best to talk to her about them, but I will probably be crying.

I wonder what goes on in her little head. I wonder who the other babies were to her last night. It could just be her new princess dollies she’s been playing with, or the babies in the movie we watched. They could have nothing to do with her brothers. But my heart kinda hopes it does.

On a side note that has little to do with this, it seriously sucks ass that the doctors ask me about my pregnancy to kid ratio Every. Single. Appointment. Like, is this necessary? Could we just assume that information stays the same and I’ll be sure to update you if it changes? Or at the very least could you give me a shot of vodka while you ask it? “4 pregnancies, 1 kid, l’chaim.” *swig* For fucks sakes.