"Francine, when I look at your hair I doubt I could eat the amount I wanna vomit."

My BiL is going to Lake Tahoe this weekend with some mutual friends. He got a room with 2 beds just because, and has offered the other one to us. Seeing that he is driving there whether we go or not, he’s also eating the gas money. So essentially we could get weekend in Tahoe and only have to pay for food. Wow. I’m overwhelmed at his generosity, and so happy to have a fun weekend away. But this is me we’re talking about. Of course there are worries and guilt, so perhaps writing them out will help them go away.

First let’s discuss what I’m not worried about. I don’t think G will miss us horribly and have a terrible time. She ADORES her Granny and Papa, and will have a wonderful time in their cable filled Mickey Mouse Club on DVR house. Plus they do go outside and play. Granny will follow my no dairy rule, and they will do their best to follow her schedule, which I’ve been having issues with lately if we’re telling the truth. G has no problem falling asleep with her. She will have a fantastic time and barely miss us I’m sure. I’m also not worried about the fact we’d be sharing a room. My BiL has been my friend for much longer than I’ve been with J, and despite their constant bickering/antagonism they do love each other and have a good time together. Also, J and I have one kid who goes to bed at a decent hour and is then locked in her crib until we see fit to get her out. We have alone time aplenty. I mean we’re not steeping in it, but we aren’t looking longingly across the room at one another wishing we could just have 5 minutes, you know what I mean? We’ll do fine there as well. The fact there’s only 1 toilet for the 3 of us *cough2ofthemcough* might be an issue, but it’s one we’ve dealt with before.

On to my worries. We have been away from G overnight exactly 3 times, and I have an almost Pavlovian response to the thought of it because the circumstances were so awful. The first was to have Little T, and it was the day after she had gotten some vaccinations, so she was feverish, sick and miserable, so added to the devastation, I was heartbroken I couldn’t be home for her. The second was 5 weeks later when I hemorrhaged, and the third was to have Little M. Awesome right? So immediately the thought of being away just makes me sad and massively anxious. Hopefully this will shake that up a bit so I can associate it with happier times.

I’m also feeling guilty that we’re just not taking her. We could, her uncle is willing, it’s me that decided not to. I love staying home with her, I mean, I miss her when I go grocery shopping without her, I truly do enjoy our time. But, no one else is bringing their kids, and the thought of spending 3 hours a day convincing her to eat, and another 3 hours sitting on the floor outside the hotel room door while she naps, and then oh yeah, she goes to bed earlier than us, so I’ll be doing it then too, does not sound inviting. I have done it, and am willing to do it again should we go on a family trip, but this weekend is not centered around kid fun and schedules, so it’d be me by myself with G and everyone else out and about. I can do that here ya’ll. But I feel guilty because it would be a new experience for her. A freezing ass lake, and it’s supposed to effin snow, which I think is awful, but she would probably like, you know, new sights and things to see. We have such plans and thoughts on places we’d like to take her, but we just can’t afford it, so I feel bad she’s missing out on one of the few we can afford.

Then there’s her eye. The inside part of her left eye has been red for a week and a half. She also had a wicked diaper rash last week, (Why yes you can get a diaper rash without an actual diaper, in related news, my 2 year old is not particularly competent at wiping, turns out we’re still in charge of that, much to my husband’s dismay.) so I spent the entire week asking if her eye hurts, and when she said no, I’d ask if her junk hurts. She got frustrated with me and replied in her best 13 year old voice with a scoff; “Well it’s not HAPPY.” What the fuck does that mean?!?! It means I’m in trouble in 11 years, that’s for sure. Anyway, the diaper rash went away, but the eye remained. I kept waiting for it to goop up so we could call it pink eye and get meds but it never did. She says it doesn’t hurt, and isn’t rubbing it anymore than the other one, but I finally took her in yesterday. She Lost Her Mind at the office; she did not want the doctor to look in her eye with the instrument and screamed her fool head off if the doctor was touching the instrument even across the room. So the doctor told us to buy some eye drops, and come back Saturday morning if it isn’t gone. We’ll be gone then. I can’t have Granny take her because the appointment will entail putting drops in her eye and looking at it with a special other instrument that I doubt will make G much happier, so I will essentially have to lay ON her to make this happen while she goes poltergeist on us. It’s just a bit much to ask them to do. At first I wasn’t that worried, I mean obviously if it gets worse we’ll stay home and take her, but if it’s just the same I figured it could wait till Monday. Till my BiL mentioned Monday is a holiday. For some reason waiting until Tuesday is So Much Worse!! I don’t know why. So now I feel like a neglectful horrible mother who’s not listening to doctor’s orders.

Apparently, my desire to possibly have In N Out, (I have a gift card) is currently outweighing all of these concerns, so I guess I’ll be going. Hopefully it’s a happy weekend and I come back rested and ready to power struggle our way through another meal. “Ok! I’m weady to get off time out and take a bite! Sowwy I spit it out mama!” Said with a smile and a laugh. Tee hee. Keep laughing kid, keeeeep laughing.