I'm attempting to write AND post this from my phone as my internet is out. Everyone else's is good, just mine. Of course.
I'm curious how other couples handle interests that are not shared. J and I have quite a few of these. Some people feel that for the sake of the happiness of the relationship you should be willing to "suffer" through the passions of your spouse, be as involved as you can. Others feel as long as you share enough other time together, that you don't let your non shared hobbies take priority over the relationship, seperate is fine.
I'm a seperate kind of girl. J took me to a ballet once, I had a wonderful time and greatly appreciated it, but since I've gone with other people. I would rather go to something I adore so much with someone who is looking forward to it as much as I do. He didn't bitch and moan, it's just not his deal and I respect that. There's also a middle ground though, things we enjoy that the other is not particularly interested in but more than willing to be involved in for the sake of family time and getting the fuck out of the house. Spending time with my family, or baseball and motocross stuff would be highest on that list. We're poor and haven't gone to the latter for 700 years but if we got free tickets or something I'd totally go with him. (I'm joking about the family thing. Haha.)
I don't think we have to love everything the other does and be involved in all that they are passionate about, as long as we're not talking shit or putting the other down its fine with me. J went to my ballet performances, and took me once, and that is more than enough for me. If I can't find anyone else to go with me I'm more than willing to go by myself, although I'm hoping it's something G will enjoy as well. Hello Nutcracker this winter! Which he does not have to attend.
So J wants me to go camping with our friends this weekend. At somewhere cold and dirty. It's like hell on earth for me. I'm really annoyed. I know I could win this argument by flat out refusing to go, but I feel like I'm being a bitch about it. I REALLY hate camping. Like with every fiber of my being. I think he should take G and have a grand old time without me like they did last year because I had prior commitments. But he wants to spend the weekend away, as a family, having "fun". I get where he's coming from but FUCK CAMPING. I'm considering agreeing on the grounds that I NEVER HAVE TO GO AGAIN NO ARGUMENTS EVER, to prove that yes I tried and yes I fucking hate it. But I honestly think it would set a precedence instead. Like that first week of co-habitation when you decide who takes out the garbage and what side of the bed you sleep on for the duration of the relationship. I'm pretty sure that come next year he'd just be all; you survived last year, it wasn't so bad, it's only 2 nights and then I'll flip the fuck out right all over everyone. Plus I'll probably ruin everyone else's time with my constant cranky face and complaints. Which I could not do but then he would think I was having a fine time.
Check it out. I live in the middle of 50 acres, with shitty internet *middle finger* and no cable. I'm fucking camping my whole life. I don't need to drive to place where I have to hike to the bathroom. If I don't pee on a toilet, I pee in my shoes. 100% of the time.
So how do you handle non shared interests? Suck it up for the sake of the relationship? Gladly or begrudgingly? Or adopt a 'that's why you have friends' attitude? How does your partner feel about it?
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It really sucked writing this on my phone. Sorry about the typos.
ReplyDeleteIs the camping place close enough for you to drive there for a few hours during the day? The only time I've gone camping in recent memory, I drove the hour each way to go home to shit and shower, despite being like 50 ft. away from a clean actual bathroom with hot water, etc.
ReplyDeleteI suck it up for some stuff, don't care about other stuff, and get bitchy if I think it's really stupid and leaves me stuck in the house alone with the kid and no car.
Ahhh, so it's a case by case basis. It's gotta be over 2 hours away so no coming home. We're in negotiations currently, we're down to onf night and never having to go again but I'm still on the fence.
ReplyDeleteMy idea of "camping" is a 5 Star hotel, fuck that noise of miserableness and enjoy some YOU time.
ReplyDeleteWORD.
Deletehaha...I LOVE camping... Maybe you would like it more when you see how much G loves it???? If you are just going to be a Bitch the whole weekend wouldn't he rather you didn't go at all? Or just bring some booze and a hammack and tell them to wake you for meals????
ReplyDeleteThe booze is a given. Enjoying it through G's eyes, very valid point, please don't tell my husband.
DeleteI love camping. Except the WHOLE sleeping part. And then I hate it and want to be zapped into a nice, soft, King bed and air conditioning.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the whole personal interest thing. I will not golf because... boring.
Oh I love golf and camping. :)
DeleteI can mini golf like nobody's business for reals. Otherwise when I try to hit the ball far I totally miss and look like an ass.
DeleteSleeping not in my bed, dirt and bugs. All unacceptable.
Separate that shit. Sometimes there was whining, but mostly we jived. We just had plenty in common otherwise. Once my (now ex) boyfriend asked me "What do we have in common?" after witnessing my preoccupation with clothing. I responded, "Um... our humor, our politics, our whimsies, travel, food, educational priorities and philosophical ideals??"
ReplyDeleteSadly, we didn't have the same family priorities. But whaddaya do?
(Answer: Not go camping.)
Wow, I think J and I don't have nearly that much in common. How does inappropriate sense of humor and pretty slutty work for long term relationships in your opinion? Also, I can fart in front of him. *WINNING*
Delete(We're both slutty in case there's some confusion.)
DeleteI think separate interests are what keeps it going. You have to have commonalities and do things together, but maintain those individual interests too.
ReplyDeleteIf we're voting, I vote for J to take G. They'll have a kickass time and you won't feel resentful. And G will get special daddy daughter time. How often do they get that kind of time?
Then you find something that you can all enjoy together. No one should have to suffer through something they hate for the other person.
*high five*
DeleteHa. I am so glad you wrote about this. We are of the some-separate-and-some-shared-despite-unequal-enthusiasm-levels school, with the kid's interests starting to play a role in shaping participation/sharing decisions, also.
ReplyDeleteMay I pause a moment to observe that it is really annoying if one member of a couple (me) has decided that if you are going to do something, you might as well be gracious/enthusiastic about it even if gracious/enthusiastic does not fully represent your emotions toward the activity, whereas the other (him) is basically Vocally Grumpy about Everything, Even Stuff That Was His Idea? Thank you for allowing me to get that off my chest. I will say that hearing his Grumpy words come out of the preschooler's mouth has caused DH to tone it down and/or be marginally politer some of the time, so there's that.
I have further musings specific to camping (though also perhaps generally applicable) but am in a spot with unreliable internet (!) and am going to post those in a separate comment lest all be lost.
Actually, I am very pro- you're an adult who has made this choice so suck it up and don't be a whiny bitch about it which works against me at times. People mistake my non child like behavior with the thought that I'm having fun. I can assure you I will not. I will attempt to not ruin everyone else's good time, and I will never go again. :)
DeleteYes, that's exactly it ... my DH imagines that because I act like I'm having fun, I'm having fun. So foolish.
DeleteHaha! I certainly won't be laughing and exclaiming over the scenery, I'll be doing my best not to punch anyone in the throat.
DeleteOK: comment 2 -- I like to camp. I mean, I really like to camp, like, if you offered me a week in a nondescript state park in Illinois (as long as it had a lake, a river, and/or some decent hiking trails) or a week in Chicago (a city I quite like as cities go), all else equal, I would go camping. We have spent 2 weeks around our last 2 Christmases camping and I have had the sites for this year reserved since January. I am not kidding.
ReplyDeleteDH does not like to camp or, more accurately, DH does not like to sleep on the ground, not have access to plumbing and a working kitchen, or be too hot or too cold. Fortunately all those problems are solvable in a way that still allows me to enjoy what I (most) enjoy about camping: we bought a travel trailer.
Camping in a travel trailer is not the same as tent camping. In some ways it is worse. In many ways it is better, especially with a small kid. It makes camping in contexts (winter) where we would never otherwise contemplate it, easy and fun.
Might not be right for you (and certainly, there are up-front costs associated that were a big commitment for us and may not be feasible for you), doesn't solve your immediate problem, but sometimes there is a middle ground.
If we had a trailer with a bed, shower and toilet this would be acceptable. I don't need a kitchen that's why there's fire and marshmallows. Unfortunately we're poor. Should we ever win the lotto, it will be high on the list of things to buy.
DeleteYeah. Good luck with the lotto! I do of course realize that even so (even with lotto) this wouldn't be at the top of everyone's priority list (gasp!), and it has been a pretty big, erm, commitment for us -- funded in part by my FIL's (modest) estate, bless his heart, though I will say, also, we use it a lot which makes it easier to rationalize, er, justify.
ReplyDeleteThat is wonderful. I would prefer it be much lower on the list of desires.
DeleteHmmm, let's see. I really enjoy photography, so I just drag the husband along and he plays with the toddler while I take pictures of every.single.thing I see. He liked football (the Redskins - blarf, I like the Saints, but not enough to wait every single game on television)... so I start complaining after the game is over if he is still watching football (haha!)....
ReplyDeleteCamping would be miserable. We live in the middle of BFE cold, rainy Oregon and my husband wants to go camping... ugh. He also wants to buy a blow up boat and take it on the ocean/lake to fish... WITH A TWO YEAR OLD. So, I'll let you know how that goes.
Fits would be thrown if blow up boats, oceans and my kid were all in the same sentence.
DeleteBy me.
I like to camp so much, I don't like to do it in camp grounds. I much prefer back country camping. I also lived in Alaska for 5 months of winter, didn't see anyone for a whole 2 months, didn't shower for a whole 3, and shat in a -30 degree out house for 5 months. This is to say, I am mother nature's boy.
ReplyDeleteThis is also to say that I've met people who like "camping" who were crying 5 miles into a 15 mile hike. So, there are degrees of "camping" and my wife loves the type of camping you describe coming up (tent, fire, friends) but has NO desire to head off with no tent (too heavy) and sleep in a bivy sack with me my 7 cliff bars per day.
So don't go! It's silly.
You are beyond my comprehension. But feel free to have fun with that. :))
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