"Can you leave it alone? You can't be my friend anymore. You can't be sleeping with my mom and still be my friend, ok?"

Thank you very much for your comments on my last post. It was such a relief to receive your support and validation of my feelings about something that isn't generally considered optional in a household. Or even thought about at all really, it's just assumed it's a necessity and not a big deal. We haven't gotten cable yet, but I've already decided to have the tv on less anyway. Yesterday was busy busy busy, laundry, bathroom cleaning, house vacuuming and 12 loaves of friendship bread made and the tv wasn't on once. If G wasn't helping me, she found other things to do, didn't even ask for it. And I felt so much better for not turning it on. I did turn it on for her while I did an exercise video, but she ended up in the other room with me for most of it exercising too. It made my heart happy. Thank you guys.

So. December. We're going on a family trip, the whole compound, and will be gone during Little M's first birthday. I'm scared of that. I'm a jumble right now. Conflicting feelings all over the place. My best friend is home from Australia for a visit after being gone for almost 2 years. J is working around 70 hours this week. Leaving on Sunday, and all that goes with packing up a family for a week. Little M's birthday on the 6th, knowing Little T's birthday will follow on the 23rd. The busyness that is December. Cookie exchange, for which I'll be making 32 dairy free cream puffs. Getting my hair cut. Taking G to her first Nutcracker. Towels for G's friends. They're not hard, they're just floating in my brain on my urgent list. I'm also looking for a 'big girl bed' that will suit our needs. Not exactly easy while living in the boondocks with shitty internet. Do we really want to order furniture we hope to last for years unseen from some random website? Do I have a choice? Oh! And christmas shopping for everyone! We've done very well this year, but there are still a stubborn few....

All these feelings, all swirling around, cohabiting. Making me crazy, making me sane. So much I'm looking forward too, right next to the things that make me want to lay down in bed for a day or two with a jug of vodka. I don't know. I really really hope I keep myself together while we're gone, losing my shit would be....understandable, but not very convenient to say the least. I hope I don't make myself crazy packing because I'm trying not to wallow in my sadness. And that the fallout of that control isn't too high a price to pay when we get back.

I'm sending love to all of us missing our Lost Littles. Holidays are hard. I hope we hear gentle words for our tender mending hearts.

*My quote is from Four Christmases. A movie I think it super funny, and to which I can very much relate. Everyone's all over the damn place. Luckily, I don't try seeing them all in one day. I'd lose my mind.