"When he gets hurt inside and can't get......his emotion words, he takes to streaking."

When you've been in an emotionally manipulative relationship the lines between "taking care of" and "being taken advantage of" are blurred. Once you break free from the relationship, unfortunately the lines don't just right themselves. I've noticed they tend to go the opposite direction from what they were, and now every little thing puts up your spine because you're sure it's above and beyond what is normal. I've seen this in others, but most recently notice it in myself. For example; J was working in the shop and comes down around lunch time to use the bathroom, sees me on the computer as it's nap time and asks me to make him a sandwich. My immediate response is 'you're a big boy make it your damn self'. Here's the problem with that; he is not my ex, yelling at me because I never cook dinner, which was very true because I worked until 10:30pm or 12am and ate dinner at work with the kids. Of course I'm not going to come home to my dirty house to the boyfriend who may or may not (most likely the latter) have worked that day and make him dinner. I won that war, but the battles were plentiful and ongoing. In the case of J though, he would not take the time to make himself a sandwich, he was busy, and if I didn't make it he just wouldn't eat. Which is of course his choice. He also now has hurt feelings. He is actually doing his best to provide for us, he doesn't want to take the time out of what he is doing and making a sandwich for him is not very much to ask really. Do you see? Taking care of, not taking advantage of. It's hard for me.

When I left my ex I swore I would never again date someone that would essentially be my child. When I got with J I was pleased he was capable of cleaning his house, doing his laundry, paying his bills. I wanted things to be equal. I wanted us to take care of each other where it had be so one sided for so long. I don't believe in the normal gender rolls despite the fact I am a walking talking cliche of them currently. I do know plenty of women who are the larger breadwinners, and see households where the household chores are pretty equally divided. When J was working but not as much as right now he unloaded the dishwasher and folded and put away all his own laundry after I washed it. I hate unloading the dishwasher, and he has most times twice the clothes I do in the laundry, not to mention his anal retentive way of putting it all away that I could not, and did not care to grasp. I'm not discussing the division of caring for G here, just house stuff, and this doesn't seem like much when you think of all that goes into having a relatively clean house. But I do not have to clean up after him as I know can happen sometimes. He puts his clothes in the laundry, hangs up his towel, puts whatever he's been using away. You also have to take into account we have 50 acres of land. His mom does some things, but he and his dad are essentially the ones that keep us from getting our home insurance cancelled every summer, which means because of where we live, 500 feet of mountain cleared around all 3 houses. It requires bulldozers and chainsaws people. I do nothing. He also does all car fixing and maintenance although I do the vacuuming and washing. Of our car, his truck doesn't get washed or vacuumed. I'm not expecting 50/50 housework from him, just enough so he doesn't get cocky and House Frau thinking of me.

Then he got a new job. One where they pretty much expect you to take overtime. To J, double time is music to his ears. Our poverty has affected him significantly more than me. There's a few reasons for this; I've never really had very much money, I've always pretty much lived paycheck to paycheck trying to save up for certain things but it taking quite awhile, so I was somewhat used to it. He's made good money since before he left high school. He's always been able to provide for himself very well, and when the job market went to hell, right after we got married and had a kid? He took it hard and personally. So now that he has the opportunity to make as much money as he can, to pay off our credit card, fix the car, build a shower, take a trip, whatever, he is going to do it. He absolutely will work as long and as hard as they will let him. His first day off after starting was 3 weeks later. One weekend he worked 8 hours on Saturday and 16 on Sunday, making more those 2 days then he did all week. This is his element. Providing. Bringing home the bacon.

But 3 weeks with no day off means I'm unloading the stupid dishwasher. And putting away his clothes, (in no way the awesome way he does it because I just can't give a fuck) and *sob* making his lunch every night. I knew my issues going into this, we knew what this job would want from him. I knew I was going to have internal battles and bitterness. But I also knew he deserves this. He deserves to be taken care of just as much as I am. He deserves to have lunch made for him, and his clothes put away, because his intentions are pure(ish, he is still obnoxious). He's not trying to see how much he can get away with not doing whilst lazing around the house, he's working 12 to 16 hour days, he's planning a trip and a new shower, and a bedroom set for G. He comes home and asks for cuddles and kisses, even as he's drifting off to sleep while trying to eat his dinner. He is not my past, he's who I chose for my future. He deserves the best of me, not the bitter wounded leftovers.

I guess I just have to redraw my boundaries, to you know, healthy ones and shit. It can totally be done right?

*My quote is from Four Christmases again, I'm sorry, but it's funny and I've watched it twice this week. I think Vince Vaughn is one of those you love him or hate him kind of actors, there's really not much in between. He's such a good drama queen.