Despair. Desperate. Desperately. Desperation. I’m having troubles.
The baby boom has begun. 2 down, 4 to go. Do you know how much difference in age 3 weeks is after the first year? Nothing. 2 months after the 2nd year? A drop in the bucket. These 6 babies are the same age as mine. Should be. Different only by days. I'm fine when they are still in their mom's guts. But now they're being born.
My due date is next week, Sunday. Easter. The day before that we’re having an easter egg hunt, and I’m also due to start my period. It’s the lead up. I’ll be fine on the day(s). I’ll cry and be sad. But this anxiety, overwhelming why is this happening to me? Won’t be there.
Little T should be 9 months old. Little M due to arrive at any time. I do that for every holiday. Every baby I see. That’s what he’d be doing. He’d be a little older, a little younger. Usually it’s just in passing. A thought I have for that moment before moving on. But this week these thoughts are filling me up. Making it hard to do anything else.
What if G is the only child I get to raise? What if I never bring home another living baby? How is this possible?
despair
— vb (often foll by of )
1. to lose or give up hope: I despair of his coming
2. obsolete ( tr ) to give up hope of; lose hope in
— n
3. total loss of hope
4. a person or thing that causes hopelessness or for which there is no hope
[C14: from Old French despoir hopelessness, from desperer to despair, from Latin dēspērāre, from de- + spērāre to hope]
Tomorrow is a new day. I'll be fine. Today just caught me by surprise.
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I'm sorry, Amelia. I've been thinking of you and Little T and especially Little M all through my pregnancy, so often when I look at my daughter this past week. Our due dates are so very close. God, it's bullshit.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending up... well, it's mushy, but I send up love every time I think of you and Little M. I so hope for a happy, healthy pregnancy for you. Right now.
I appreciate that so so much. I don't EVER want anyone to feel bad about their happiness with their new babies because of me. But I will absolutely take love, for me and your baby. Congratulations.
DeleteOh, sorry. The first sentence of the title had me thinking that I knew the guy who wrote this from high school. Nevermind.
ReplyDeleteOk, lame joke. I truly am so very sorry.
*sigh* Some days just suck. I hope yours is actually better tomorrow. Hang in there, and don't feel obligated to coo over babies at any time if it hurts too much.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not as sad, so there's that. ;) thanks.
DeleteI'm wishing so hard for a healthy pregnancy for you, and keeping you in my thoughts as you survive another tough day. You'll make it.
ReplyDeleteUgh. It is so hard. The comparing. The babies... The ones that should be on either side of yours. I get that desperate feeling too. I try and think I'll be okay with just one baby but... It's not what I really want. I know I'm lucky to have him, some people wish they could have even one, but when you have had more that didn't survive, it's a constant feeling of emptiness that feels like a void needing to be filled. Sending a hug on this hard day.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had a sad, hard day. Some days are like this. I know the feeling....
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a better day tomorrow
hugs
Oh honey, I'm sorry. *Sending a virtual hug.* I know saying things will get better sounds trite, so I won't. I don't know if you've talked to a doctor about any possible deficiencies that could have caused you to lose your babies, or if luck just took a huge massive shit on you or what, but I really hope you and J are able to have another happy healthy baby sometime. G is adorable, and deserves to have a brother or sister to play with just as much as you deserve to have another baby. I hope things get better for you. Soon.
ReplyDeleteDamn I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. It's so fucked up and wrong that you don't have your baby- babies. I am saying a prayer for you. That's what I can do, and I"m doing it. ((((love))))
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