“You know those crap-head add-men over there, those kings of bastardization that have just taken everything that was ever real and genuine and honest and original and attached it to a toilet cleaner!”

Sponsored blogging is a hotly debated topic, you don’t have to worry if you’re against it, I’m not going to have sponsored posts. I personally don’t really care one way or another, if you’re a good writer, if you catch my interest, and have something honest to say, why do I give a shit if you get paid or got free stuff out of the deal? But I was reading one the other day and it got me thinking about how awesome it would be to be on that boat so I thought I’d write about shit I really want but would feel guilty about spending money on it, which is where sponsors would come in. Because then it’d be free!! Bear with me; my list of guilty desires.

*Disclaimer, family vacations and lasering my forehead to get rid of the reverse vitaligo are things I most likely will spend money on, and would not feel one bit guilty about. I just wanted them somewhere on the list because it would kick ass if they were free. Also, let’s be honest, it’s not like I have morals or anything, I’d pretty much try anything flung my direction just to see how it is. *

1.Invisilign braces. Oh my lawd. When I was a kid, my mom took me to this new fangled no teeth pulling totally ‘fantastic’ orthodontist. I got jaw wideners at 9, which are as fun as they sound, and braces at 14. My teeth were FUCKED. Some were behind others, some were way up high, it was just a mess. So after NINE years of metal in my mouth, I got my braces off, I got the retainers, and it felt like the top one was moving my teeth out of alignment. I moved out to a different city, and never wore them again. Found out the metal had destroyed my back teeth, my impacted wisdom teeth tried to come in down below, leaving me with crooked teeth once again. It isn’t horrible, not nearly as bad as it was. I’m bummed I was an idiot who didn’t wear her retainer, but in all honesty, after 9 years I was D O N E. My sister went to a different orthodontist, had 4 teeth removed, 2 years of braces, didn’t wear her retainer either, and her teeth still look pretty decent. I’m feeling pretty gyped if we’re being honest. I can never have regular braces again because I’m pretty sure they would all just crumble the minute any pressure was put on them. Enter expensive ass invisilign. Would I pay for it? Unlikely, but I so wish I could have them.


2.Hair stuff. My husband comes home the other day with an earnest look on his face. He says; “I saw this commercial at my parents’ house about hair stuff you should get! It will totally work for you!” I look at him bewildered and he continues; “Your hair gets frizzy in humid conditions right?!” I nod. “It was MADE for that!!” I’m trying to figure out if he is fucking with me, or if he hasn’t been paying attention to the shit ton of different stuff I’ve been trying out over the years. Does he really think that just because the commercial says it will work it will?! Apparently yes, he does think that. So I thanked him for thinking of me and told him I’d stick with what I got.
I use cheap ass shampoo and conditioner. It used to be mildly cheap, instead of cheap ass, but I think pantene stopped making beautiful lengths because I can’t find it anywhere. So I’m using some tresme stuff. I use very expensive (in my book), biosilk on it after I get out of the shower, then after blow drying if I’m doing that that day, I put generic anti frizz goop from a big bottle and pomade on because I’m pretty sure my hair is on helium. It’s BIG. I don’t have a lot of it, it’s super thin, especially right now, but it’s huge and floaty. Think late 80’s early 90’s New Jersey hair. I could do that with just a blow dryer, no hair spray, no mousse, no back combing, I’m just naturally electrified. So I try to weigh it down. I’ve been trying new stuff my entire adult life, and I don’t currently HATE my hair, so I’m sticking with it. But I’d absolutely try and review free stuff for it. OOOOHHHH, especially an expensive straightening iron. Mine is about 7 years old, and was $20 from Rite Aid. I hear there’s better stuff out there.

3.Body hair removal. I’d do anything. Just get it off of me. My body hair is blond, but it gets very long and there’s A LOT of it. I’m a wildebeest. I hate it. I currently shave it because I can’t even stand to grow it out. Also, can’t afford to wax it. I tried doing it myself a couple times and trust me there were tears involved. But I’d be more than willing to hand over the reins to a professional. Especially if it meant I didn’t have to shave every day. I get a 5 o’clock shadow on my legs ya’ll, there’s no skipping days for me.

4.Food. Especially pre made super healthy sent to me food. Look, I’ll bake the shit out of some dessert for you, but dinner? Can suck it. All that work before AND after, for one meal?! Not to mention there are various dueling tastes in my house. It’d be awesome for everyone to have their own meal, spicy non dairy over here, mild and dairy full over there, you get the picture. I would absolutely try it.


5.Green cleaners. I have no idea what to buy, but I’d really like to use them, so it would be awesome to test out a bunch and find what works and what doesn’t.


I think that’s all I got for right now. What about you? What do you want but would feel guilty about spending money on?