Remember like 9 or 10 months ago all I could post about was my period and how much it made me cry? You guys miss that so much. Yeah. Me too.
So I’ve been in a shitty ass mood all last week. At first I thought it was just because of Little M’s 3 month birthday, and also that I’ve been running 7000 miles a week for 2 months and have lost a total of 2 pounds which umm, WTF mate?!! But no, it’s not just that really, so then I thought maybe it’s because someone in my family who is very dear to me is due with a son any minute, and I’m going to a baby shower for a friend next weekend, which means I can absolutely say the word bittersweet was invented for just this moment in my life. And my mood does have something to do with all of this, but then I realized that maybe it also had a lot to do with the fact I was supposed to start my “moon” on Saturday. Isn’t that funny? I’m amused when people call it that. It’s not what comes to mind for me, for some reason ‘volcano’ is the front runner, but whatever.
Here’s the deal; we are not “trying” because I am incapable of verbalizing such things. When asked I say it’s still under discussion pending autopsy results (which I’m beginning to think are never coming) in an attempt to portray myself as an adult making rational well thought out decisions. I’m not really. On good days about normal things I’m over emotional and anxious. About this? I’m a straight up lun-a-tic. My brain tells me it’s irresponsible and mean to my someday pretend babies to try again because of my current odds. I’m ashamed of wanting to, of hoping maybe this time it could work because Hi? maybe I should get the hint mother nature/the universe has been sending. How dense could one person possibly be?
Because of my lunacy I know the following; this was my last chance to get pregnant and potentially bring home a live baby without it involving the month of December. Seeing as I have lost 2 babies in consecutive Decembers it was kind of my life goal to never be pregnant during that month again. That is no longer an option. As the months go by I enter December earlier and earlier in my pretend pregnancy and therefore in my crazy brain I am lowering the odds of a live baby. Also, I really wanted everything said and done before the apocalypse. Tie up all the loose ends you know? Who knows how hard it will be to get an epidural once the world starts its final slide into whatever is coming next.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I do know I’m so fucking sad. I’m sad that my family doesn’t get ‘matching cousins’, I’m sad that my due date is less than a month away, I’m sad that my baby is on my bookshelf instead of in my belly, and I’m sad I already said hello and goodbye. So many times. I miss my babies. I miss the life I have pictures of in my head. I miss being happy without underlying sadness. So I’ll just leave you with a depressing ass song from My Girl 2 that has invaded my brain for the last month.
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Insane to want to not try, but hope like hell you're actually doing? No. Not at all. Nor selfish. I think you could use a chance to just breathe. No thinking, no worrying, no overthinking or worrying some more. Trust yourself and your gut, as well as the fact that you will make the right decisions for you and your family. I know you will.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you at all for the December thing. You're not crazy, you're rattled, for good reason. Find somewhere not shaky and plant your ass there for as long as you need to calm your adrenaline.
I wish your family felt complete and that you didn't have to miss your babies. *hugs*
(((((((HUGS)))))))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. Truly. I also grok your December fears, your timing, your not-trying. It's what you and your husband want and need. I say go for happy and let the wind take you.
ReplyDeleteFear, sadness, and bittersweetness. We try so hard to bring rhyme and reason to our lives and make sense out of the chaos. I wish you the best of luck in ignoring the terror of December and seizing the best of whatever comes next.
ReplyDeleteAlso someone told me that the Mayan calendar did not include leap years, so when you factor in all those extra days, the world should have ended like 7 months ago. No idea how accurate that information is, but it made me tilt my head to one side thoughtfully.
Your Bloggess "you need a stamp" comment made me laugh and brought me here, and wow, I was very surprised to learn about all of your heartache.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't being selfish... you are continuing to live life, which is what you absolutely need to do to move forward with life.
I feel so sad for your loss.
A friend of mine lost her boy, Beckett, and her blog shared a lot. She still posts. You should check out The Biggest Loss, her blog.
Now a follower, I look forward to your funny and not-so-funny posts.
I wish things were different for you.
StephanieC
Isn't The Bloggess awesome?
DeleteWhat a nice surprise! Thank you for investigating, and even better, reaching out, I very much appreciate that.
I'll look up your friend, it's a shitty club to be a part of and we could all use a little support. :)
I hope you enjoy what you read.
Amelia
Yeah, she can inspire some of the craziest social media movements of our time, I think!
DeleteIndeed a shitty club, but I hope that being able to share in some of the emotions and thought processes can be helpful, if even only a little bit.
I'm amazed at how you are able to be so honest, be funny, yet be perfectly clear on your sadness and pain. A gifted communicator... hope you realize that.
Thank you! I'm absolutely flattered.
ReplyDelete