"Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out."

So I’m de-fucking-pressed and my kid is sick AHH-GAIN. Story of the last six months of my life right? I know! She better have the immune system of Iron Man after this winter because she has been nonstop fighting off illnesses. I don’t know what the deal is, (licking grocery carts) but it stresses me out. Needless to say I have not had any emotional break throughs or epiphanies of late. So I’m starting a collection of posts called; The Two Songs That…. in an effort to lighten my mood. I am not a connoisseur. I pretty much keep to mainstream radio music, so don’t expect to find anything awesome you haven’t heard before. *shrug* The first installment will be,

The Two Songs I’d Strip to.

A word, or 700, about stripping. I get that mentally stable happy women don’t have careers in stripping. That it stems from generally pretty shitty issues during childhood or beyond. But check it out, until all parents learn to be appropriate role models and not eff up their kids, (IMPOSSIBLE) we’re going to be crazy and self defeating, and do things that make us feel awful and that aren’t healthy. So, I say take as much control as you can. Get paid for it, own it, do what you gotta do. I realize that’s not what is generally happening up there on that stage, but, my friend works in an office and goes home and cries every night. It’s all relative.

Why am I not a stripper you ask? It’s not because I don’t think I have the body for it, my theory is with charisma, confidence and personality, (none of which I have) or even none of the above, it matters very little what kind of body you have. For every body type there is someone out there who finds it attractive. Not to mention, over the past 6 years I’ve had like 17 different bodies and my husband wanted to bone all of them. Yes, there are some people, like the Jolie-Pitts and the Beckhams who are pretty universally lusted after, but there are plenty of other beautiful people who don’t fit in that cookie cutter, and have plenty of people drooling in their wake. No, for me the problem is A, stage fright. I doubt it would be very helpful to be onstage freaking out about everyone looking at me. And B, impossibly high standards. When I strip in my head, (Am I the only one?) there are pointe shoes, over extension of the splits, and back flips involved. Now I did dance, very awkwardly, on pointe for a few years, and I did gain quite a bit of flexibility, but even at my peak, the best tumbling I did was a handstand against the wall. Not very skilled. But that’s how I’d want to dance, and I’d just be frustrated and self conscious when I couldn’t do it.

Let’s move on from the excuses and hear the songs shall we?

The first one is Lil Kim How Many Licks. Talk about owning your sexuality. I love how in your face, unapologetic and raw she is. I can appreciate that a woman could be covered from head to toe and have someone in the palm of her hand with the flick of an eyelash, that’s awesome too. But I love that Lil Kim picks a path and barrels down it at 200 miles per hour. You go girl. It cracks me up how many words are deleted from this version. Like this video could be anything but inappropriate no matter how much content is taken from it. Whatevs, I fill it in in my head anyway, I wonder if the words I pick are worse, or cleaned up. ;)





The second one is Rob Zombie (feel so good) Feel So Numb. Since I first heard this song it’s been a song to strip too in my head. That beat drives it. I also love what I feel is irony, because I know I’m supposed to feel bad that I’m taking off all my clothes, so fuck you, I’ll do it, and point that out, and not give a shit. Make sense? Yeah. I’m sober and everything.







Check it out! It worked, I'm feeling much happier after listening to these songs. Rob Zombie and Lil Kim for the win ya'll!
Stay tuned! Next time I do this it’ll be The (only) Two Christian Songs I’ll Willingly Listen To. I’m sure you’ll be waiting with bated breath.