Dew(ed) write....Catharsis

Monday, November 23, 2009 Dew(ed) write....Catharsis Current mood: angsty Category: Writing and Poetry Prompt #5 catharsis. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/catharsis She is all my eggs in one basket. Not literally of course. Really she's only one egg. And if we have another, that one too will be all my eggs in one basket. I'm not surprised. I've been warned for years. I knew it would be a love unlike any other. This was why I'd avoided it for so long. Life is much more risky with such important things involved. I don't wish it away, but I knew that once it happened, I'd never be the same, and that's alot to take on. I promised I'd be the exact oppposite of my mom. I knew from Kindergarden that there was something amiss, a strength that should have been there, in the adult in charge of my life. She is so weak. Needing everyone's help. Making poor decisions so she's not making all the decisions solo. This is not what I want in a parent for my daughter. But I'm so unsure. Of everything. It took me 2 weeks to decide whether or not to give her the binky, who knew there were such dire consequences either way?!! Nipple confusion and failure to thrive on one hand, screaming child, and a higher incidence of SIDS on the other. And then what kind?!! I thought I had made all the little decisions already, but apparently, no. She's a clean slate, it's only down hill from here, and it's up to me how far we fall. All of the other children I had a hand in came to me pre-messed up. I could only go up when you come from a house where the 5 year old is found dumpster diving behind the supermarket 2 miles from their house because the fridge is empty. Not to mention, no guilt. I didn't do this, I could be un-biased and look at the situation from that safe distance so I know what needed to be accomplished. I loved those girls, but it was indeed a different love. I worry constantly. I'm on the internet all the time, I just know I'm going to have to put a helmet on her cute little head because she's still all crooked. I can't tell if this is a good thing or bad. I'm not surprised when the doctor tells me she's got acid reflux, just resigned that the one thing I was adament about, that even I couldn't mess up is indeed messed up, and I knew it coming in to the appointment. On the plus side, I've never been the Mom. Even when they aren't your kids biologically, Mom is an important magic word. I've never been 1st on the list of being wanted. 3rd, to 5th yes, which was nice. But now, when she's fussy for no apparent reason, I can fix that. Magically. (Not always, oh my that would be magic.) She wants me as opposed to settling for me. It's unreal. Now to figure out how to be worthy of it all. I've got to figure out how to become the rock that my family will need me to be. Not at all times, but I'm the adult. I need to act like it. I need to find the strength to make decisions and let it go. To be confident in my abilities. To trust myself in ways I never have before. Is there a store where I can buy that? Who am I kidding? I couldn't afford it if there was.