I think she wants me to rub olive oil on your taint.

Monday, July 13, 2009 I think she wants me to rub olive oil on your taint. Current mood: bitchy Category: Life Dear Friends, Family, and the General Public, I am a very nice, patient girl who is very affectionate. I hug, I hold hands, I smooch in public. However, being noticeably pregnant has brought to my attention numerous socially and personally unacceptable behaviors I would like to address. Strangers: I do not understand why everyone would like to know when I’m due, what the baby is, and what we’re naming her. I have never seen you before, and I will never see you again, so I am confused as to what you will do with this knowledge. I am very happy to accept your congratulations, and will say the same about your daughter/wife/niece/whatever female in your life that is pregnant. I do like when fathers to be tell me proudly that they are expecting soon as well, it’s sweet. But the details of my pregnancy are inconsequential to your existence, and should remain so. Also, while I appreciate the blessings you all insist upon giving me, they are unnecessary as I am an atheist, feel free to keep them to yourselves, along with telling my husband that the way to put me in labor is to take me out to Mexican food, take me home and do me doggy style. (YES, I’m talking to you fat drunk old man at the bar. It is gross to be blessed and sexually instructed in a matter of minutes. *VOMIT*) Everyone: Please refrain from informing me of how big my ass is. I’m aware. I have mirrors, which I am avoiding, but it is impossible to do that at all times. I’m not entirely sure why you feel these statements are compliments, but let me assure you, they are not. Similarly, telling me that in comparison to my stomach, my boobs no longer seem that big, is really not needed. Thank you. Telling me that being pregnant was your favorite time in your life because you could eat whatever you wanted, loved feeling the life growing inside you, will only cause me to look at you in disbelief. Of course the fact that I’m growing another human is a miracle, but it’s the most obnoxious, annoying, painful, exhausting, can’t wait for it to be done miracle I’ve ever witnessed. And no, I can’t eat EVERYTHING I want, I will have to lose whatever weight isn’t actually baby once this process is completed. Not exactly fun while raising a newborn baby I’m sure it’s safe to assume. I will NOT be toughening up my nipples, please stop instructing me on how or why I should be doing this. If you have some other advice that is breast feeding related, please take into account how well we know each other before sharing it. If this is the first time we have met, and we are in a grocery store, feel free to decide against imparting such knowledge upon me. If we have something of a friendship, I am open to learning new and helpful things. As previously mentioned, I am affectionate, and have no problem with touching people. I have even been told that I’m overly accommodating. There is no need to pat my stomach and then apologize profusely. Perhaps if you just asked first, you would find I’m quite ok with the occasional pat here and there, question about if she’s moving and if so where. However, please keep in mind, my guts are not a genie’s lamp, or Buddha’s belly, you will not receive good luck by continuously (and briskly) rubbing it, and honestly, I start to feel nauseous after a few minutes. To give you fair warning, if you shake my stomach while saying ‘wake up baby’ and you are not this child’s father, I WILL windmill kick you in the face. That is overstepping my boundaries, you are WAY up in my bubble. Thank you all SO much for your kind wishes, and stories that are not doggy style related. I love hearing about other’s lives and experiences, and do enjoy sharing my own. With affection, Amelia